Sacrificial Living

There I was in the midst of another free time. Campers gearing up for water sports or the pool. “I don’t want to sit at the pool again,” I thought. “It’s too cold to go in the pool,” I thought. As I stood in the sun, watching the CIAs and the campers get ready to walk, I remembered that I wasn’t there for myself. I was there for others. I was there for Jesus' glory and the campers' fun, and the CIAs' encouragement and help. "Where am I needed?" I asked as I changed my tune as I had done countless times before.

During my week at Camp Barnabas on the Lake, I found when I was faced with my own desires I almost instantly found myself redirecting towards others’ needs. Even in my free time I was thinking about what I could do to support the CIAs (Christian In Action, the teens and adults who were one-on-one with the campers), or trying to find enough service to post to our church’s Facebook or Twitter to update the church body and parents about how our trip was going.

Why can’t I do this at home? Why can’t I do this in my church body?

America has a prevalent, “Take care of #1” mentality that comes before all other concerns. I am afraid I am guilty of it. Rather than ask for help or care, I feel like it's best to just take care of myself first. However, I believe I am called to something more. A life lived sacrificially. As I was thrown into a life lived fully for others for a full five days, I discovered something.

Living life sacrificially takes buckets of trust.

You have to trust your needs will be cared for as you put others’ needs ahead of your own. You have to trust that you will be filled as you pour yourself out for those around you. You have to trust you will find rest in the midst of the busy life of looking and serving and caring. You have to trust God's strength to keep you moving. You have to trust God’s greater plan. #thelastshallbefirst But I discovered something else.

Sacrificial living is beautiful.

It's helping a busy mom with her groceries; it's asking the clerk at the store how their day is going and actually hearing their response. It's writing a note of encouragement for your neighbor, or offering to walk someone's dog. It's taking the kids for a friend so she can get some things done. It's engaging in conversation with your seat mate on the bus or train, recognizing the humanity that is around you. Start small. Sacrifice a little comfort and say hello to the stranger in line behind you. Look them in the eye and smile. It's a beautiful thing.

This post is a part of a One Word 365 community, Trusting Tuesdays! Have your own One Word? Link up to your most recent post every third Tuesday of the month!

Breathe!

We serve a God who can breathe life into dry bones.

Let that sink in for a moment.

One year ago today I was at Red Rocks Amphitheater with my husband's family watching Chris Tomlin on his Burning Lights tour. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. Nervous. Far from God. I had just been approached a few days prior by a concerned friend who was afraid I was suffering from postpartum depression (I found out a few weeks later she was right). As I sat in Red Rocks watching the people around me, I wondered how many of them felt like I did - like they were pretending. It didn't feel like a place where I could really worship.

My heart was hard. My emotions unmoving. I was uncomfortable and felt out of place. I knew I was loved by God. I knew I loved God. But I wanted to go home. Get into bed. Tomlin opened with "God's Great Dance Floor." I couldn't move. I just stood there. Stood because I "had to." Then "Awake My Soul" played. Most of it washed over me until Lacrae started in with the scripture. Ezekiel's vision of dry bones coming back to life. "Conjure the four winds of breath and breathe!" Suddenly there were the words "Awake! Awake! Awake my soul; God resurrect these bones." And my heart broke. The tears fell. I still cry when I hear "BREATHE!" on that album.

When the next song played I listened, I sang, I prayed "It will be my joy to say Your will, Your way....There's no life apart from You." Then "Indescribable" reminded me of the God I serve and "White Flag" and "Sovereign" helped me pray my surrender. By the end of the concert (Louie Giglio spoke and there were more songs to which I sang my heart out), I knew I wasn't healed, I knew I had a long road to walk, but I knew I wouldn't be alone in the journey. I was reminded of this great and magnificent God I serve. He loves me, sees me, draws me to Him even when I am blank and blocking the world out.

After I had my daughter, I stopped caring about anything. I stopped noticing the world and the people around me. I didn't notice I was doing it, either, because I'm not even sure I noticed myself. I was just trying to survive. But God had me in the palm of His hand. He was watching over me and my husband and my daughter. He kept me from doing anything rash and loved us all through it. Then He gave me a gift. A big, loud, bright, crazy gift. His Holy Spirit sweeping through thousands of His people, burning in my ears, my heart, and my soul.

I am still healing from years of apathy and attempted perfection's scars on my life. But this path of healing I have been on started on May 4, 2013. Three days after a friend said, "Carey, I'm worried about you." God was right there with the words I needed to hear. He was right there with the people I needed. He was right there holding me, and He still is. He led me to my counselor, He flew with me to fish camp in Alaska, He guides my hand as I journal, He urges me to love and serve and see people again. All of these things have been part of the healing journey. God hears my cries and answers my prayers. He knows my fears and cradles me in His everlasting arms. He has led me to teachers and scriptures and conferences and Bible studies and passions I never knew I had.

I am so thankful for this Great Prodigal God who runs to me and embraces me. As we sang this morning in church, "Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful. God, You are faithful." Amen! Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness and breathing life back into these dry bones.

Tomlin, Chris. Burning Lights. Sparrow (Universal), 2013.

2 down...84 to go

I set out to use Lent as a time of preparation for this new season of life: Paul in nursing school. I don't know how successful I was. Mostly I don't know that you can fully prepare for something like this. I think I learned more in the first week than I did over Lent. The lesson that repeated, though, was that God is in control and His strength is the only way we can get through anything in our lives. Definitely what I need to remember.

I did not yet know the extent of my selfishness before this began. Truly. That is one thing I learned the first week. I probably still don't. Things were bumpy until I forced myself to think about all of this from Paul's perspective and encourage him the way he needs it. Not being surly but rub his shoulders, make meals, keep the coffee stocked. There are and will be other things we need to work through together, but the first lesson is learned: this isn't easy on either of us and part of my job is to help.

I actually have successfully prepared meals and kept the kitchen clean. I get to work mostly on time despite having to take V somewhere every day. I realize two weeks is nothing in light of 21 months, but it gives me hope for all of it. Only by God's strength, though, because by Thursday I'm beat! And only by His strength, presence and mercy can I continue to pour into my home all the encouragement, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, love and respect my man and baby girl need. 84 weeks? This is the rest of our lives!

No Eternal Significance

I get annoyed. A lot. Usually about little insignificant things. At some point this summer I had a realization: "This has no eternal significance." All those little seemingly huge things that get my blood boiling...they are insignificant. Truly. I try to remind myself of this when I get riled up. I think I need to be calmer in life in general, less stressed, less dramatic, especially about those things that hold no eternal significance.

But then I realize something else...if this thing has no eternal significance, then what does? In other words, what should I be getting "worked up" over. What should I care about?

What does my life communicate to others concerning what truly matters?

100 Days

June. How did it get here so fast? In the past two months I finished Calc 3, saw a few plays, watched another graduating class leave our high school ministry and yet another join it. I've gone on vacation and longed for another (already). I've watched my belly double in size and wondered what kind of a mother I will make.

I am learning how to take deeper breaths, say no to the things I can't handle, and not allow stress to rule my behavior and life. Yes, still learning. I've figured out how to get to work on time, though. I'm reading a lot and wish I slept more :o)

In approximately 100 days (give or take a dozen), Paul and I will become parents. Not that we aren't already, technically, but in the sense that there will be a breathing, crying, pooping life form in our home that we must be responsible for and take care of. This summer is going to fly by and if I'm not careful I'm going to miss it.

One at a time

Writing allows me the opportunity to know myself better. And I love it. I sit and hatch an idea or I process through life with the written word. Unfortunately I seem to find other things to take its place. In early November I found myself promising to blog each week. I have failed at that, a simple 30 minute exercise. I have begun to write my family more. That was interrupted by the holidays, but I fully expect to pick it up again. By now I was supposed to have my book fully drafted. I barely worked on it the past four months.

The fact of the matter is we assign things a certain importance. When something is important enough we find the time to do it. I have discovered a simple fact, though. Some of the things that I need most I find difficult to schedule into my "busy" life. It's like I'm being tricked. It has been made unmistakingly clear to me that I need to finish my book. Even if I never publish it, God has given me something to share and I must share it. Blogging allows me a simple and quick method of writing, something I find soothing and cleansing to the soul. My Bible reading is pathetic and my soul shrivels from lack of time spent in the oasis of prayer.

I am a writer. Therefore I must write. I am a child of God. Therefore I must spend time with Him. He has charged me with encouraging and lifting up His people. Therefore I must pray and read His word and be with His people. I have been tricked by the sense of being overwhelmed. Where do I possibly begin? At the beginning.

One day at a time. One choice at a time. One word at a time, be it spoken, read, or written. Just one at a time.

Found: Lots and lots of time

Note: I began this post on July 21st and find that it is very applicable to my life in the here and now and so I have chosen to actually publish it today, not as a July post.

Amazing how often we "don't have time" for some things and yet we get other things done in record time.

When we are determined, suddenly there is time! Loads of it. We find it in the morning, in the evening, between meals, over the lunch break, before bed, during a favorite program that we decide to DVR or catch online, the list goes on. It doesn't matter when we find the time, only that we do! We are determined, so there must be time!

On the other hand we're always running out of time for those things we don't really care about or don't want to do. Seems I never have enough time to wash the dishes or put the camping gear away, or even do my homework. Exercise? What's that? Tragically, reading my Bible always seems to make that list. But when it comes to deciding that I want to blog every week, write one sibling set each week, my grandmother each Sunday, and get my book finished (at least a draft) by the new year, I wonder to myself, will I have time?

You bet. Because there's always time, it's simply a matter of choices. Each morning I wake up I have a choice: heed the alarm or sleep through it. And that is followed by choice after choice after choice. I pray for the strength to make the right ones.

The Real Reality

Before we share life we have to live it.

Why is it when people ask me what's new I can never think of anything? A great many of us spend a great deal of energy on another type of virtual reality (see other post on the virtual reality of communication): the movies we watch and the shows we pour hours into. (I even waste time talking about movies I've never seen and yet hate with a blinding passion.) Suddenly we aren't experiencing life and sharing our experiences with each other, we are sharing the life of a fictional character we spent two hours getting to know, and reliving funny moments and exciting experiences they have had. Adventures we only had to sit on the couch to experience.

I wonder if this isn't one of the enemy's most dastardly ploys. What better way to get us to "experience" life without actually living it and at the same time introducing us to things we so easily attach ourselves to, forgetting what lies ahead: that most real reality? Most of the movies we watch are merely shadows - more so than this life is a shadow of that same real reality - they are ideas that seem so real, life will always seem to pale to them until it is actually embraced and lived. All of our "If only..."s become forgotten as we feel real emotion stirred up by actual living.

I do not judge; I confess. Here is my confessional. What emotions I have felt watching movies about things I want to be passionate about. How excited I have gotten about things I could be doing - maybe, someday. I use the movies and the subsequent emotion as an excuse: "obviously I care, but I'm not like that person!" But even in the midst of all of this I feel there is still hope. We do not have to fall victim to this life lived in front of a T.V. screen. All the excuses in the world cannot deny the whisper that comes that we are designed for something so much greater than this "shadowland."

You can't experience the real life through a movie any more than you can get to know someone through bits of information fed through a "What's on your mind?" prompt on a website. Even as I write this I wonder to myself: "Where do I begin?" And the answer is "With the Truth." The more time I spend in the Word and seeking the Lord in prayer, the clearer I will be able to understand and live this life He has given me "abundantly." Praise the Lord He offers us His help and continual grace and mercy!

Alone in a Sea of Communication

Apparently I often fall into communication funks. I sit on Facebook, or clicking in and out of my Gmail inbox, waiting for some sliver of information, news of life happening. The sad thing is my life is slowly passing me by as I wait. So are the lives of all the people I care about. How much of their lives never see a Facebook status?

It's in times such as these that I start speculating on how Facebook has ruined communication. Whatever happened to letters - you know them, those hand written things we used to have to LIVE in order to fill - and phone calls - the ones that could last hours because we're connecting with someone - and face to face conversations? We need to experience life in order to communicate more than a Facebook status to someone about our lives.

Our reality has become virtual in many ways. Naturally everything I'm discussing here is my own doing, my own fault. I do have conversations with people, and I could call my friends and ask if they have the time to sit with me, maybe over coffee or dinner, or a nice walk. Somewhere along the line I got it into my head, though, that I only need to do that when I have something to share - usually negative - and that no one wants to hear my problems. I complain too much and I HATE complaining. It's so negative. I hate dumping that on others. I just want to hear about everyone else's lives.

Why do I think people don't want to extend the courtesy back to me? Especially since it's a big fat lie; the Carey inside is screaming to be let out, for someone to listen and care about what she's going through, that her heart is 15 times heavier than it should be. Or give her a good talking to: "Carey, you aren't the center of the universe!" "Carey! You aren't always right!" "Carey, you're loved more than you could ever fathom!"

Of course there's another problem: I have no idea how to have a conversation. Okay, explain to me again, how does it go? You talk, then I talk, and we discuss some subject either one or the both of us has an interest in and we learn something? Not only about each other, but maybe (just maybe), the world we live in, the God we serve, and the role we play?

Shocker.

Or I have a burden that I need shared by a fellow disciple and you're willing to hear it and pray for me? Or I get to share yours? Or how about a praise of God's faithfulness and wonder?

Sharing LIFE. But first we have to live it! (This I decided to expound upon in its own post.)

You can't get to know someone through bits of information fed through a "What's on your mind?" prompt on a website. Texting only offers you one iota of the human you are attempting to connect with. Just like masterpiece meals take more than 30 minutes, true relationships take longer than a half hour here or there.

So here I stand, bombarded on every side by information, technology, and immediate gratification, screaming out for someone to take more than a cyberspace minute's interest in my life.

Makes me wonder how many more souls around me are crying out for the same.

Happy December, Everyone!

So October and November have passed without a single word on my blog. So tragic. Truth be told there are a lot of blogs I have thought of writing and so little time to write them. Getting engaged as I did on October 2, 2009, I've been a mite busy! Paul and I have successfully planned 90% of this wedding. Most of the decisions have been made and things are progressing quite nicely. But unfortunately this has had its share of casualties.

I am tired of thinking. Tired of lists. Tired of rehashing everything I've ever done and will ever need to get done. I want to sit still and let life happen instead of trying to make sure it all happens without a hitch. School is barreling towards completion (for at least the next 8 months), and I'm getting ready to take on an additional 16 hours of work and the secretarial duties of a whole new ministry at work. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep meat on my bones and a smile on my lips. The latter does not prove difficult, thankfully. I have wonderful friends and family. Paul is incredible, and my God is ever-present, faithful, and loving. Of what do I have to complain?

to teach or not to teach

I was thinking today about teaching, a profession I am considering and currently working towards. I have met a man in one of my classes that is going to make a phenomenal teacher. He just knows how to re-word and explain really well. I have realized that I do math too quickly to make a really good teacher and I have trouble thinking of new ways to explain and demonstrate (could it be I have no experience???) So there are times I question my current pursuit. But then I remember 2 things:

The best way to teach is to care about what you teach and care about those whom you teach. I love math. There. I said it. I'm getting more and more excited about it as I go on. I want to share that excitement with others (even if they do think I'm nuts), and I want them to know that their success matters to me. Each and every person I come into contact with is valuable. And everyone needs to be reminded of that, even if only by a crazy math-loving teacher who always seems to act like she's had too much coffee...

10 years later

Yesterday, as most everyone knows, marked the 10th anniversary of the shootings at Columbine High School. I took the day off and spent it with three very special people. We ate breakfast at the school and were allowed to once again walk the halls of CHS. Exactly 10 years to the moment, I was in the room where I sat when I learned of the shooting, I got to see the office where I waited with 59 others for someone to come, and, save for the addition of paint, it all looked exactly as I remembered it. The memories haven't faded.

At the evening's memorial, I was reminded that no matter what happens in my life I have one job to do: live it for Christ, Colossians 2:6-7. I don't have a dramatic Columbine story. It's something I've always been able to face and talk about. I walked away from my high school experience with a firm conviction to cling to God. I praise Him for that. He sent me exactly what I needed in a moment in the midst of chaos: a friend and three words: "Pray with me." To this day I don't know what I would have done had it not been for Craig. And it doesn't matter. God knew what I needed.

Yesterday was the same. It was through my closest friend from CHS that I learned of the breakfast and God allowed me to share it with her as well, not to mention three of the most important friends I have made since high school. And that was what I needed. Cling to God - embrace the present - look forward to the future - accept your past.

My best friend, one of the three, worded her and Paul's role in yesterday very well (she married a man who graduated with me in 1999): "For Paul and I, as the respective significant others, it was good for us to finally be able to go into the mire with Carey and Clinton and to stand tall next to them. To be the constant, ever present reminder that this was indeed the past we were visiting and that it can be let go of now. I think with our presence there, it helped to highlight the fact that the past has no more power over us than what we allow it. And that the present and future are only as strong and bright as the good we extract from the bad in the past." (emphasis mine)

I am grateful to them for their presence and that reminder as well as the love they both showed me in both the somber and the silly moments. I say it often, but it must be said:
I am blessed. I love you both.
And to the man who provided a lot of that laughter, thank you for loving my best friend. It was an honor to share the day with you.

We have a responsibility to learn from what we experience. I am reminded anew of the fact that no person is insignificant and everyone influences someone, even if only for a moment. I am thankful for all the men and women in my life that have challenged and encouraged me. Without them I would be less. May we always give all that we are.

Priorities

Does God come first in my life?

Do Paul, my friends, my family, my small group, random people on the street come next?

Do I come very last?

You hold everything together
You hold everything together

Oh, Christ, be the center of our lives,
be the place we fix our eyes,
be the center of our lives!

("Center" Charlie Hall/Matt Redman)

What a nightmare

I woke up this morning stressed.

I'd had a nightmare.

Winter Retreat. Chaos.

I stood in my backyard this morning and made a decision: I'm ready for spring.

I stood there and found myself wishing I was in a movie or a Jane Austen novel. A pretty music cue, a nice paragraph describing the passage of time and suddenly...the trees are in full bloom, my clothes have changed, and my mom pops her head out of the backdoor: "Come on, Carey, you need to finish packing! We need to get to the Springs!" and poof it's May 8th, the day before my brother's wedding. Everything that's happened in March and April are filled in during exposition.

I'm busy. My brain is so full it hurts. Nice week to have 2 tests and a quiz. I have emails to write and I can't find the time (emails are personal, they take more time than a blog), people to sit and talk with but I can't focus my thoughts; my room is a disaster area; I'm getting ready to declare a state of emergency in my bathroom; I keep running out of clothes; I'd rather be sleeping. This is not normal, people!

Well, my mini-"I don't want to shoot my computer, so I'm going to stop doing what I was doing and take a break" break is over. Best get back to work.

I could use some prayer.

I REALLY need to vent

• I'm sitting in a library on campus and I'm freezing.
• I'm hungry but only for the things in the blessed world that are bad for me.
• I can't seem to get my ring to stop twirling around on my cold skinny finger.
• I didn't take a shower this morning and my hair is doing strange things.
• I really want to be reading but I keep thinking of everything I've forgotten to do for the retreat that's coming up in less than 2 weeks.
• I want to take a nap because for some reason, though I've gotten more than 8 hours of sleep the past TWO nights, I'm really, really tired.
• I can't stop coughing and it's starting to tick me off.
• I'm just ticked off.
• I'm sitting here at 12:20 fully aware of the fact that I have 2 hours until I have class - a really, really annoying class that I don't understand the point of - and then I have to go back to work.
• I can't get comfortable.
• Have I mentioned I'm cold?
• I really want some gluten or some sugar or some cheese or something.
• I can't seem to get a hold of the churches I need to get a hold of and I'm sitting in a library on the "talk on your cell and die" floor.
• Did you know Myriad Pro Black costs over $30? (that's a font)
• I tried making the title of this blog "i REALLY need to vent" but had to go back and capitalize the "I"
• I just want to cry and run until I collapse to the ground, out of strength and motivation, sobbing and praying for mercy.
• The first time I went to college I didn't see the point. I still don't. Only now I'm nearly 10 years older.
• I want my life to have purpose and meaning and all that good stuff.
• I know my life does have purpose and meaning but I'm going through a time here (they usually last a few days) when I can't seem to convince myself that it's true.
• I took the light rail to class today, that means I'll be late to work probably.
• I'm wasting time.
• I hate wasting time.
• I really want to scream, but I'm sitting in a library.
• Not that I'd scream anyway.
• Maybe I'll just cry. I can do that quietly, right?
• I need a hug.
• Crap I'm starting to get a headache.
• I need prayer.
• I don't logically understand evolution and I don't get it that I'm supposed to.
• Survival of the fittest makes sense until they start talking about monkeys.
• Well, technically it's not monkeys, it's apes.
• Today I learned that people in cold climates are stockier (at least it's a theory due to volume and surface area ratios). I shouldn't live here. I'm cold.
• I have a feeling some of the people in my life will read this and not understand that I'm just venting.
• I'm just venting.
• I love my life.
• I'm having a crappy day.
• There's another word for crappy that I should just use.
• I'm having a shitty day but only in my head.
• There's no reason, really, they just come.
• Thankfully they go, too.
• I'm running out of steam.
• I just want to love people and be loved and feel like I have something to offer this world.
  

No longer good enough

Fear is a nasty business. It paralyzes and keeps us from doing what we want, what we're called to do. I have been realizing more and more lately how much fear has kept me from things. Though God has used me where I am and I enjoy what I do with my time, because of fear and ignorance I am 27 and still trying to figure out what I want to do in the long run. I'm readdressing thoughts and ideas I had 10 years ago. And they are still interesting to me. Why couldn't I do it then? Will I be able to do it now?

Fear has kept me from trying, being bold, stepping out. It's stopped me from being me, opening my mouth and speaking up for myself, my beliefs, the rights of those around me. It's stopped me from pursuing certain dreams, wearing certain outfits, and even eating certain foods. I am sick and tired of letting fear keep me from everything. I think of reasons not to instead of realizing that there is no harm in trying something new just to see if you'll like it or making a phone call to ask a question. It's crazy, but I might actually get an answer I was hoping for.

I will not let fear keep my heart from beating. I have not been given a spirit of fear or timidity. Fear shouldn't keep me from having conversations with those around me or saying yes when someone asks if I want to go do something I wouldn't normally do. Fear has kept me in my little bubble. But with God's strength - no more. No, it's not easy to break out of a mold you've shoved yourself into for over a decade. But it's not impossible. I can learn new things and try new things and talk to new people.

I'm even afraid this feeling will go away, and I'll retreat back into my safe place fully protected by all my fears. Safe be hanged! I'll tell you what I'm not afraid of: finding myself in a situation where my Savior and my God cannot reach me. I am eternally within His grasp: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27a

Not alone.

Last night I cried out: "I want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I want to be allowed to go a little crazy every once and a while." This morning I came to a realization: I am the only one that needs to accept myself and allow myself. I need to be growing and changing, of course, ever seeking to be more Christ-like, but I need to allow myself to rest in the Lord's offered freedom - His mercy and grace. I want to live my life to God's glory. I want to do something to further His kingdom - loving others, letting them know they are worth something. How can I do that without realizing my own worth?

I sit in the wilderness, seeing only darkness, feeling only fear. The reality is, though, that light surrounds me and pierces my very soul, fear has no place in my life, nor timidity (2 Timothy 1:7). Even as I wander through the wilderness I am held by the loving arms of the God of Israel. My Father, my Prince of Peace, my Counselor. He is drawing me to Himself. He loves me as I am - washed in the blood of His Son. He will lead me out of the wilderness, stronger and more full of Him.

Father, what would You have me do? Who would You have me be? I desire to be bold but kind, to smile at the future and encourage even the stranger beside me. You have a purpose, and I cannot even begin to fully understand it.

The whole world's on fire, isn't it? - I read the headlines and listen to the stories pour in from around the world, and I think of what is out there, what could come, the horrors that are realities for so many, and when I do this line from The Last of the Mohicans runs through my head over and over. But no one's listening to me whisper it, fear saturating my voice and tears my cheeks.

I wonder what I could ever really do. I am blessed to live in a nation, with parents who are loving and giving, where I can take a vacation or sleep in peace knowing where my next meal comes from. I can say no to work, change my mind, sit in a coffee shop without much fear of death or bomb threats. But still I sit in the midst of this easy little life, and I get over-whelmed. "Stop the world, I want to get off!" - I feel over-stimulated, over communicated, over media-ed, over fed, over worried, over everything. I want to unplug everything and rest. What from? What have I even done? What do I even want to do?

Something. This world is so much bigger than me, and I want to affect some small piece of it. I want to invest in people - love them and encourage them - to be able to sit on an airplane or in a classroom or in Starbucks and engage with someone in conversation - real conversation. Not because I'm bored, want to get something, or even give something, but because they matter and they need to know that. The teen I saw at the store yesterday needs to know that - she matters!

Imagine... to sit and talk with someone, actually engaging their heart and mind. "You have something to say that is worth listening to," we tell them ... simply by looking them in the eye.

I take comfort: "And such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

I am not alone.

Happy Christmas 2008

Christmas Eve. 2008. Why do I have nothing to say? Usually at this time of year I am waxing eloquent about something. At the moment, my brain is fried. I'm tired. Not just this evening but over-all. I sit here pondering 2008 and wonder what I missed. My brother graduated from USAFA, I went to Salt Lake City for a youth conference, my best friend had a baby the day before I turned 27, I've gone back to school very part-time. I nearly moved out but realized I wanted to be teaching before I'm 35. I went to TX with Paul for Kathryn's first b'day. And I've really enjoyed hanging out with the teenagers in my life.

One of my greatest accomplishments of 2008 seems to be buying a pair of knee-high boots. My book writing is at a stand-still. But I re-arranged my room.

It's been a year.

Are you ever at a complete loss for words? I thought, sitting here, staring at my tree and listening to pretty music I would be able to wax eloquent once again about the year and the future and the season. But here I sit, not sure if I'm stuffed or hungry, wondering what to write and kind of wishing I were asleep, but not really wanting to go to bed. Tomorrow, somehow, the magic ends.

What do I get to expect of 2009? All sorts of things. My brother Brien is getting married, I'm taking Calculus and a million other math classes, my ten-year reunion is in August, I'll turn 28, I'll have a new niece or nephew, I'm probably going to take a weekend jaunt to Hawai'i, and I would love to at least get a trip to Greece planned (maybe for early 2010?). I'd like to finish writing at least one of my books as well (in fact I don't make New Years Resolutions, but I did pinky promise one of my seniors that I'll have more than one chapter for her to read for me by the time she graduates). Truth is I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know a few things. God is in control. He is at work. He is faithful. He loves me. No matter how dark the night (or the day), or how still the whispers, He is with me, guiding me, teaching me. I see this so clearly in those I sit across the table with in Starbucks. Oh how much I've learned - from my girls, Paul, Jen and other friends.

So bring on 2009 with all its joys and sorrows. I've got great friends who can and will stand by me through anything, a family that is far too good in many ways, and a Savior who calms the storms, heals the hurts, and is a Light piercing the darkness of all I see around me. I close this rather strange end-of-the-year letter with this: thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness not only to me but to each and every one of the men and women in my life that don't simply survive but live their lives for You and stand strong against the cold darkness that threatens to still our beating hearts. Help us to stand so together.

Happy Christmas and Merry New Year my friends and family! I truly mean that and hope you get lots of hugs and smiles this weekend, the rest of this year and all through 2009!

50 things about me:

1. Unless I initiate it's probably not a great idea to talk to me in the morning, especially on a topic I really don't want to discuss.
2. I apparently think very highly of myself (see 1.)
3. My dad may say on occasion that it's not a good idea to talk to me in the evening either.
4. It's possible that it may simply be a good idea not to talk to me.
5. I can get up on time and still be late to work.
6. I'm not sure if I'm going to succeed as a teacher (see 1. and 5. and, well, 4.)
7. I blog at work.
8. My parents are SAINTS - my mom especially (nothing against you, Dad, it's just that Mom puts up with WAY MORE from me!)
9. I know I need to grow up because I hate feeling like I'm being treated like a kid or that I am incapable of being a grown-up when I run out of time and have to have my mom do things for me.
10. I am a fully capable baker and cook with very little time on my hands to do either.
11. Sometimes I yell, and I don't always know why.
12. I have to eat every 3-4 hours to keep from being nasty.
13. 12. isn't always true. Sometimes I'm just nasty.
14. Some days I'm in tears because I scare myself.
15. I am a sinner saved by grace.
16. I can't spell occasion the first time - ever.
17. I watch too much NCIS.
18. I love teenagers.
19. I love Jesus and would be an even bigger mess without Him.
20. I want to live in Greece for a year.
21. I want to live in a musical.
22. I know how to type and actually enjoy doing it.
23. I wish I knew Spanish.
24. I wish I had kept up with my piano lessons.
25. I was born in England, and I really want to be there sometimes.
26. I think 2 Timothy is an incredibly challenging book.
27. Pride and Prejudice is my favorite novel.
28. I'm a military B.R.A.T.
29. My abs hurt right now because I've started learning Pilates as of yesterday.
30. I miss pizza.
31. I miss ice cream.
32. I need to save this and get to work. (I did - break time again)
33. My joints pop.
34. When I set my mind to something, I get it done.
35. If I think something is pointless it's very hard for me to get it done.
36. I have amazing friends.
37. I love to laugh.
38. Samwise Gamgee is one of my literary heroes.
39. Edmund Pevensie is another.
40. I blow my nose a lot.
41. My hands need lots of moisturizing.
42. Making this list is making me feel better. (I'm shootin' for 50 now...)
43. I enjoy list making.
44. I really love checking things off of a to-do list. (I even write things on them that I got done but didn't plan to do, just so I can check them off!)
45. Praying is like breathing for me - I need to do it or my soul will shrivel and die.
46. I don't pray enough.
47. I don't drink enough water either.
48. I love singing.
49. I love to dance.
50. I love life - all of its joys, sorrows, happy times and sucky times, every heartache and every reason to jump for the sheer pleasure of being excited about something! I want to live my life to its fullest by Jesus' definition and I will - with that goal in mind, His strength behind me, and His love to carry me through the good and the bad.

Columbine High School Class of 1999

Guess what I just got in the mail? Yep, it's my Ten-Year Reunion information. Kinda funny. Not really weird, though. You know you watch the movies about reunions and the people desperate to make a good impression on all the people they used to know. I don't feel that. Or the ones that go to show off their new wonderful life. Don't feel that either. Or the ones that are simply curious to see everyone they used to know, simply because they're curious. Okay, maybe a touch of that. Not to mention, somewhere deep down, from the day I graduated I felt some sort of obligation to go to this thing.

As I look over the questionnaire, I have to wonder how my life got to where it is and consider that though I certainly have changed, from the outside it wouldn't seem that my life has changed all that much. "What do I remember best about high school?"

Ten years. Long time. For more reasons than one next year will be significant. Ten years. Seems like only yesterday my boss was talking to all the teens I know about 8 years. You never believe it when you're told it and then it hits you: time flies and it's only going to get faster from here!

Now the ultimate question: do I go?