Choose this day whom you will serve...

In the world of instant gratification and social media, it is difficult to not get self-involved. At least I think it is. Pride is already one of my greatest faults. Having access to something that tells me how many people "like" my work is fuel for self-aggrandizement or self-deprication, depending on the day. (Sad considering how inaccurate it really is.)

What I must remember is who I work for. I am not in the photography business for fame and fortune. I should not seek man's approval, but God's. Any talent I have is from Him and for Him. I post pictures to say, "Check out these awesome and beautiful people I have had the honor to come into contact with through my business" and trust God to provide the clientele, not the pictures.

I desire to encourage everyone I encounter. To be a light and "affect the quality of the day" (Thoreau). I am so thankful for the opportunities I am given to spend time with people, glorifying God with what He has given me.

Let him who boasts boast in this...

I started this blog entry a while ago. It was birthed while I was thinking about raising a daughter. She needs to understand that it is not her beauty or her intellect that matter in the long run. She cannot put all her stock in either, but rather must turn to the Lord for provision and her identity and worth. A good reminder for her mother as well!

Jeremiah 9:23-24
"Thus says the LORD: 'Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches,
but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD.'"

Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Isaiah 44:24-25
"Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, who formed you from the womb: 'I am the LORD, who made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself, who frustrates the signs of liars and makes fools of diviners, who turns wise men back and makes their knowledge foolish'"

2 down...84 to go

I set out to use Lent as a time of preparation for this new season of life: Paul in nursing school. I don't know how successful I was. Mostly I don't know that you can fully prepare for something like this. I think I learned more in the first week than I did over Lent. The lesson that repeated, though, was that God is in control and His strength is the only way we can get through anything in our lives. Definitely what I need to remember.

I did not yet know the extent of my selfishness before this began. Truly. That is one thing I learned the first week. I probably still don't. Things were bumpy until I forced myself to think about all of this from Paul's perspective and encourage him the way he needs it. Not being surly but rub his shoulders, make meals, keep the coffee stocked. There are and will be other things we need to work through together, but the first lesson is learned: this isn't easy on either of us and part of my job is to help.

I actually have successfully prepared meals and kept the kitchen clean. I get to work mostly on time despite having to take V somewhere every day. I realize two weeks is nothing in light of 21 months, but it gives me hope for all of it. Only by God's strength, though, because by Thursday I'm beat! And only by His strength, presence and mercy can I continue to pour into my home all the encouragement, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, love and respect my man and baby girl need. 84 weeks? This is the rest of our lives!

Communication

I am reminded of my inability to communicate my desires well. Typically I would like my husband to plan dates without being asked, to help with dinner just to spend a little more time with me without being asked, to acknowledge my greatness and self-sacrifice without being asked :/

Sigh.

You notice the pattern: I don't want to ask. Why not? Does asking truly make it less special? No, the not asking just frustrates him and leaves me hurt that he didn't miraculously do what I wanted.

Of course the more savvy among you also noticed my real issue: I think I am great and self-sacrificing. Pride: the thorn in my side. I must acknowledge the Lord's work in and through me and work to respect my husband and serve him. This is especially important as we head into a period of our life together when we won't see a lot of each other and how we feel and what we need must be clearly communicated.

There is a book out about the love languages, but how do men feel respected? I can't be 100% sure, but I believe one way my husband does is to be heard out and let his ideas have a chance before they are dismissed. This may not extend to bungee jumping at the moment, but still he has a point.

The Human Condition - Part Two

I love to be right.

Beyond that I don't like it when others think I am wrong, or when the topic is out for deliberation. For instance when I get into a debate with someone and they firmly believe I don't know what I'm talking about, and I have no computer with which to prove my superior knowledge. I also have a strong aversion to making stupid mistakes, like missing a due date for an assignment or dividing something by itself and getting 0??? Or when I vent about something and someone offers me some advice that I knew, I simply MUST tell them I knew it already. Can't just thank them!

PRIDE. It's a disease. It's ugly. Too ugly. Some are blessed with the ability to shun it, to live lives brimming with humility and others-centeredness. I am too often consumed with my own self-image and making sure everyone knows how intelligent I am. Ugh. I make myself sick. But what of boasting in my knowledge of the Lord, "who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth"? He is a God who delights in these things, not in what the world delights in (see Jer. 9:23-24). Can I live my life not minding when I am wrong, or perceived as such, so long as I am right in Him? The world thinks that we are fools. I don't let that bother me!

"Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, but humility goes before honor." Pr. 18:12. If I trust in myself alone, I am doomed. Praise the Lord for Grace and Mercy!