Choose this day whom you will serve...

In the world of instant gratification and social media, it is difficult to not get self-involved. At least I think it is. Pride is already one of my greatest faults. Having access to something that tells me how many people "like" my work is fuel for self-aggrandizement or self-deprication, depending on the day. (Sad considering how inaccurate it really is.)

What I must remember is who I work for. I am not in the photography business for fame and fortune. I should not seek man's approval, but God's. Any talent I have is from Him and for Him. I post pictures to say, "Check out these awesome and beautiful people I have had the honor to come into contact with through my business" and trust God to provide the clientele, not the pictures.

I desire to encourage everyone I encounter. To be a light and "affect the quality of the day" (Thoreau). I am so thankful for the opportunities I am given to spend time with people, glorifying God with what He has given me.

Designed for a purpose

As a special treat today, I was able to take an hour out of my work day and attend Mi2, a group for moms that meets twice a month at our church. As a mom who works full time outside the home as well as inside, I don't get to spend much time with other moms. Not even my own. Most moms, I would venture to say, feel some level of isolation due to their occupation - spending enormous amounts of time with those "mini adults" - and the demands it puts on their time - bed time, nap time, play time, dining times, etc., etc. Then there are those moms who also work outside the home. The isolation changes because their time is now divided. They get interaction with adults, but still not the interaction they necessarily need.

What do I mean by that?

Humans need to know they are not alone. As we battle through day-to-day living, we can begin to collapse under the weight of it, especially if we feel isolated, like no one knows what we're going through. This is true of everyone. Now take a mom. There are 24 usable hours in every day. Most of us would love to be asleep for at least 8 of those hours, but we'll be a little more realistic and call it 6 (that is a really good night). If a mom gets up before her kids, let's say she's up by 6, so she went to bed sometime around midnight, but probably before because her precious 6 hours was broken up by needs. OK, so it's 6. Now she gets ready for her day and then she spends it with her kids, caring for her kids, cooking for her kids, cleaning up after her kids, going shopping with her kids, eating with her kids, putting her kids to bed and then hopefully taking a little time for herself from 8 until she collapses into bed. And for most women there is a husband that goes along with all this madness. And I mean madness in a good way.

Take a mom who also works outside the home. She gets up at 6, gets ready, gets her kids ready, takes her kids to their care-takers or school, runs to work, works with people who aren't necessarily interested in what her plans are for dinner, what her daughter said that morning that was so cute, or anything else for that matter, picks her kids up, cooks, eats, spends a few minutes playing, puts her kids to bed and then hopefully takes a little time for herself from 8 until... You get the picture.

Sleep. Wake. Repeat.

Hopefully in the midst of all of this there is a phone call, an email, a coffee date, someone to eat lunch with, etc., someone, anyone, who cares about this mom - stay at home or no - and can listen, pray, laugh, cry, and simply be there for her. We need each other.

But here's what I learned this morning. Get ready because it's big.

I am designed for my life. I was created as a help-meet for my husband, the good man that he is. I was blessed with the privilege to bear our child, and I have the compassion, love, care and instinct to care for her. BUT ONLY WITH GOD'S HELP. He clothes me with strength and dignity (Pr. 31:25); He gives me the ability to speak with wisdom and kindness (Pr. 31:26); He designed me, He goes before me, He upholds me. Being a wife and mother can be exhausting. We are always on-call, rarely acknowledged, often sleep-deprived, and at times (for some of us most of the time) worried. But God designed us to be that encouragement and burst of confidence our husbands need. He designed us to be the band-aid dispenser and professional cuddler while also teaching good manners and living a life of example before our children. He gives us the energy, the drive, the rest, and the HELP we need.

So that is what I realized this morning. I cannot do anything apart from Him. Why do I think my marriage and parenting would be any different? I cannot allow myself to feel or remain isolated. There are a lot of women who are in the same place I am, or who have been there. Women who can walk alongside me and remind me of who I am, what I have been given to do, and that every day, every challenge, every heartache and joy is one more opportunity to love, be joy-filled, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, self-controlled; opportunities for me to point back to my creator who gives me all I need.

The 3 things I want most

I have begun reading a book by Madeleine L'Engle called The Rock that is Higher: Story as Truth. Two pages and I was crying, 18 pages before I had to stop reading and drive to work. By the time I got home, my head and heart were bursting. I'm not entirely sure what it was that got to me. Perhaps it's the reminder that I don't have to have my future figured at the age of 27. So many of the women I look up to went through life the way anyone else does: one day at a time, and they got to be 50, 60, 70 and beyond, wiser, kinder, and serving God in ways they never dreamed possible when they were my age. Or perhaps it was the reminder that God gives us the strength to bear whatever may come our way. Whatever it was, by the time I got home yesterday, I knew three things to be rooted as the cry of my heart, desires embedded so deeply in my soul that they outweigh that self-centered "need" to prove myself in a field such as mathematics.

1. I want to serve God. Valiantly, faithfully, passionately. Patiently. I want to be a warrior of my faith with a servant's heart, my Savior's compassion. To stand firm even when opposed or it appears I am stranded - the world would have be believe - in the dark. To love the "unlovable" and live in the world, but not be of it. Speak with a boldness of conviction in love and peace, overflowing with joy in every circumstance. Trusting. From this desire flows all others.
   
2. I want to build a home, with God's help, that is a safe-haven for my family and friends. To be a wife and mother in a home where my husband can let down his guard, feel honored and respected, my children are free to be who they are, and all who cross the threshold feel safe, loved, cared for. A home where God reigns and we cling to Him in the good and the bad. This begins with me, my heart, not when I get married, but now. Do I live my life so that when others are around me they feel free to be themselves, let their guard down, feel honored, respected?
   
3. I want to share my heart and all the Lord teaches me with others. Whether through my writing, speaking engagements, mentoring, or simply living. There are 2 books I am currently working on, too many stories I have long since left behind that deserve to be told, people to love. I do not have to have my first book published by 30, 40 or even 50. I can share my life, my brokenness with those I encounter every day.
   

I must be shrouded in a mantle of prayer, trusting that God's timing is good and perfect, studying His word, and not ignoring His people. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

And the winner is...

I feel a bit like Gumby these days. Or maybe something caught in a hurricane - blown here and there, never settling. I think I know what I should do in life and then I get another idea and suddenly I'm not happy with the first idea, so I start to vacillate and wham! no idea. I go through ideas like I go through tissue! I love doing a lot of things. Today I was told that's a gift. I'd never thought of it that way.

I want to glorify God, which I can do in many ways, including (thank you, Lord) where I currently am in life. I want to work with people. But I also want to do what is necessary. I love numbers, but I miss playing with words and learning. I miss the idea of sharing what I've learned with others through books or speaking. When did I stop calling myself a writer? Why didn't I stand up and speak at my brother's rehearsal dinner? Why are there days I can talk to anyone and say anything and days when I'd rather be hiding in a corner, nothing to say, no interest in anyone?

I've been asking myself a lot lately how I became this tightly wound ball of stress and negativity, and due to a number of possible factors all occurring at the same time, I couldn't pinpoint a source; today I think I have. I stopped reading my Bible everyday. I am thankful today because God has given me a gift. He has placed some people in my life that are playing an intricate part in re-igniting my love for His word and helping me see its value in a deeper and more meaningful way than I'm afraid I have in a long time. And today I am at peace.

No longer good enough

Fear is a nasty business. It paralyzes and keeps us from doing what we want, what we're called to do. I have been realizing more and more lately how much fear has kept me from things. Though God has used me where I am and I enjoy what I do with my time, because of fear and ignorance I am 27 and still trying to figure out what I want to do in the long run. I'm readdressing thoughts and ideas I had 10 years ago. And they are still interesting to me. Why couldn't I do it then? Will I be able to do it now?

Fear has kept me from trying, being bold, stepping out. It's stopped me from being me, opening my mouth and speaking up for myself, my beliefs, the rights of those around me. It's stopped me from pursuing certain dreams, wearing certain outfits, and even eating certain foods. I am sick and tired of letting fear keep me from everything. I think of reasons not to instead of realizing that there is no harm in trying something new just to see if you'll like it or making a phone call to ask a question. It's crazy, but I might actually get an answer I was hoping for.

I will not let fear keep my heart from beating. I have not been given a spirit of fear or timidity. Fear shouldn't keep me from having conversations with those around me or saying yes when someone asks if I want to go do something I wouldn't normally do. Fear has kept me in my little bubble. But with God's strength - no more. No, it's not easy to break out of a mold you've shoved yourself into for over a decade. But it's not impossible. I can learn new things and try new things and talk to new people.

I'm even afraid this feeling will go away, and I'll retreat back into my safe place fully protected by all my fears. Safe be hanged! I'll tell you what I'm not afraid of: finding myself in a situation where my Savior and my God cannot reach me. I am eternally within His grasp: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27a

An Intoxicating Reality

We are always in the presence of God. Moses was commanded to remove his sandals because the ground on which he stood was holy; he was in the presence of Almighty God. We are always in His presence - every moment is sacred. This is an intoxicating reality.

I am loved by God and that truth should ignite every moment, every activity of my life.

"Brother Lawrence says that 'our sanctification did not depend upon changing our works, but in doing that for God's sake which we commonly do for our own.'" (Transformed into Fire, p. 198)

"...live a God-enthralled life....everything we do is aflame with love." (197)

Is there a world you long to see?

I have been trying to figure out how to word this post for a week! Last Saturday I went to see Les Miserables with my family and Paul. It was superbly done and has always been an amazing story of mercy and redemption, love and honor.

I am going to post the lyrics to 2 songs as this post, because I don't know how to get to what I'm feeling - the words and the music stir my soul and make me think of more than the French revolutions. They are a call to arms for us as well....

"Do You Hear the People Sing?"
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Beyond the barricade,
is there a world you long to see?
Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free.

Will you give all you can give,
so that our banner may advance?
Some will fall and some will live,
will you stand up and take your chance?
The blood of the martyrs
will water the meadows of France.

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the songs of angry men?
It is the music of a people
who will not be slaves again
When the beating of your heart,
echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
when tomorrow comes

"Finale"
Do you hear the people sing

Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.

They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord.
They will walk behind the plough-share,
They will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward.

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!

engraved in stone

"What truly matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course." - unknown

We talked about the 2 wisdoms in James on Sunday. I have been thinking a lot about "selfish ambition." What does the opposite look like? The above quote, which I found today in my 2007 journal, is part of the answer. We must be looking to help others, raise them up, not ourselves.

Dick Iverson says "What I am a part of is more important than the part I play."

Last night at our high school ministry's leader's meeting, our fearless leader mentioned being a witness for Christ and the importance of it - God uses us! to reveal Himself to others.

I do not believe these contradict. The second we focus more on the part we play than the source of the story we try to tell and the story itself, we lose the entire point.

I often struggle with the thought of what I have to offer others. Do I really have anything of worth to say? share? show? I pray and pray, crying out to God, How do I even begin to prepare to come alongside the hearts and lives of those You bring into my path? The answer over and over again:

"Seek Me."
"Surrender."
"Give your life away."

A question focused on ME - answered with HIM.

I was talking to one of my girls about this struggle and the following analogy came to me: I can carve a message into a stone and tell you all about it, maybe even give you a glimpse of it. It isn't worth much unless I give it to you. My life is a stone that needs to be given away - engraved with the Greatest Story ever told. I must seek the Lord and allow Him to carve His story into my life.

Nearly 2 years ago I saw a quote that shook me to the core: "Stop protecting yourself - pursue God" (Luci Swindoll). It's the greatest thing I will ever do.

...the song still in them...

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation

and go to the grave with the song still in them."

~Henry David Thoreau

The song of your soul should not be quieted. Life is not hopeless, it is not pointless, it is a gift. We are here to glorify our God in all we say, do, think. The song you are given is unique to you. If you choose not to share it, your life is one "of quiet desperation," and the world sees one more life pass without gleaning all it could from it. Your life has purpose. God has a plan for you and all you have to do is surrender to Him and live your life, singing the song He puts in your soul.

Whether you touch one life or one million, what more could you have done but that which you are given to do? Glorify God. Seek Him above all else. No matter what it looks like, today is not just like yesterday, tomorrow will bring new challenges; live today, praise God today, no matter what. What do you have to fear? Storm the gates of hell, Child of God, for there is nothing to fear. The Lamb wins.

...shared thoughts of one looking in a mirror...

Strengthen Your Brothers

I read this yesterday morning and saw it with new eyes:

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." ~Luke 22:31-32

"when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."

I had always seen that Jesus had prayed for Peter's faith not to fail, but then he also encouraged Peter to strengthen his brothers - because he would know better what he believed.

Last night at Bible Study we were in 1 Peter, and someone mentioned the fact that Peter had failed so much and it was ironical that he was now encouraging the readers of his letter to stay strong. The weight of the above quote hit me once again - that's exactly why he was writing the letter - he knew the importance of standing strong - he knew the value of the salvation that comes through Jesus' sacrifice - he knew the value of grace.

We are far from useless in God's hands - despite our failures - when we allow Him to pick us up and brush us off, God will use us to strengthen His people.

Trust - Wait - Worship

"Loving God, according to the Bible, means we are to trust him, wait on his timing, and worship him. We, too, will be tested [as Jesus was - Matthew 4:1-11], in each of these areas of our vocation to love God."
~Scot McKnight, The Jesus Creed p. 252

In what we find to do - in relationships we find ourselves blessed to be in - in loving God with all we are - in loving others - can we - can I trust God? wait on His timing? worship Him?

Trust even when I cannot see or understand-
Wait even when I think my way is best-
Worship even when my heart is heavy and my mind wants to be elsewhere-

"When we struggle in faith, in waiting on God, and in centering on God in our worship, we need to remind ourselves that Jesus has done each of these for us. Our weak trust, our failure to wait on God, and our blurred worship are all swallowed up in his perfect trust, patience, and worship" (p. 254-emphasis mine).