It is...

When I think of the word "finish," I think of "It is finished." Jesus' final words on the cross. Far less spiritual would be my thoughts regarding my own life and schooling. I never finished high school, not in the traditional sense, but one month early. I still walked. I still had a diploma. I still went to college. I didn't want to finish college. Not really. I quit three and a half years in and went home. I took a semester off and went to a career counselor. It didn't help. I went back to school thinking I was changing gears completely and before the first semester back I went back to the original plan. I'd finish, and fast.

Now I am on the precipice of a new "finish." A friend reminded me that as an Air Force brat there were times in my life when I never had to make a choice about finishing or ending something. It just happened. We moved. Case closed. But now I am settled and married to a nurse and have a two year old daughter and suddenly the choice to finish something in my time vs. God's time is there. But I never thought about it, and so I plugged away, ever faithful, but not really very happy.

I am beyond blessed in my life. I have a supportive family and amazing friends who shove the truth in my face when I need to see it more clearly and pat me on the back and hug me when I need to cry, which is often. All of it. I have had an amazing job for nine years. Through so many changes in life it has been there. My superiors have been there, cheering me on. Despite that there have been some serious soul-searching moments and they have finally resulted in this:

I have to finish well, so I have to finish now.

So after nine years I am saying "goodbye" to the title "Administrative Assistant at Southern Gables Church" and focusing more on "mom," "wife" and "photographer," not to mention "daughter," "friend," "sister," "cheerleader," "faithful follower," "writer"... and some new titles I'm not entirely sure about yet. There are a lot of unknowns, but if I know one thing IT IS: God is in control.


This post is linked to the Five Minute Friday Community. I literally free wrote it in five minutes during my fifteen minute break at work. Click on the image for more Five Minute Friday: Finish posts!

Breathe!

We serve a God who can breathe life into dry bones.

Let that sink in for a moment.

One year ago today I was at Red Rocks Amphitheater with my husband's family watching Chris Tomlin on his Burning Lights tour. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. Nervous. Far from God. I had just been approached a few days prior by a concerned friend who was afraid I was suffering from postpartum depression (I found out a few weeks later she was right). As I sat in Red Rocks watching the people around me, I wondered how many of them felt like I did - like they were pretending. It didn't feel like a place where I could really worship.

My heart was hard. My emotions unmoving. I was uncomfortable and felt out of place. I knew I was loved by God. I knew I loved God. But I wanted to go home. Get into bed. Tomlin opened with "God's Great Dance Floor." I couldn't move. I just stood there. Stood because I "had to." Then "Awake My Soul" played. Most of it washed over me until Lacrae started in with the scripture. Ezekiel's vision of dry bones coming back to life. "Conjure the four winds of breath and breathe!" Suddenly there were the words "Awake! Awake! Awake my soul; God resurrect these bones." And my heart broke. The tears fell. I still cry when I hear "BREATHE!" on that album.

When the next song played I listened, I sang, I prayed "It will be my joy to say Your will, Your way....There's no life apart from You." Then "Indescribable" reminded me of the God I serve and "White Flag" and "Sovereign" helped me pray my surrender. By the end of the concert (Louie Giglio spoke and there were more songs to which I sang my heart out), I knew I wasn't healed, I knew I had a long road to walk, but I knew I wouldn't be alone in the journey. I was reminded of this great and magnificent God I serve. He loves me, sees me, draws me to Him even when I am blank and blocking the world out.

After I had my daughter, I stopped caring about anything. I stopped noticing the world and the people around me. I didn't notice I was doing it, either, because I'm not even sure I noticed myself. I was just trying to survive. But God had me in the palm of His hand. He was watching over me and my husband and my daughter. He kept me from doing anything rash and loved us all through it. Then He gave me a gift. A big, loud, bright, crazy gift. His Holy Spirit sweeping through thousands of His people, burning in my ears, my heart, and my soul.

I am still healing from years of apathy and attempted perfection's scars on my life. But this path of healing I have been on started on May 4, 2013. Three days after a friend said, "Carey, I'm worried about you." God was right there with the words I needed to hear. He was right there with the people I needed. He was right there holding me, and He still is. He led me to my counselor, He flew with me to fish camp in Alaska, He guides my hand as I journal, He urges me to love and serve and see people again. All of these things have been part of the healing journey. God hears my cries and answers my prayers. He knows my fears and cradles me in His everlasting arms. He has led me to teachers and scriptures and conferences and Bible studies and passions I never knew I had.

I am so thankful for this Great Prodigal God who runs to me and embraces me. As we sang this morning in church, "Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful. God, You are faithful." Amen! Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness and breathing life back into these dry bones.

Tomlin, Chris. Burning Lights. Sparrow (Universal), 2013.

God's Faithfulness

A few days ago I was asked, along with my fellow small group members, to think about God's faithfulness in answering prayer. The specific answers I thought of surprised me. I shared with the group the humbling reality that I do not always care for my job, but it is clear that God's providence has placed me there and kept me there for His good purposes.

In 2004 I was planning on moving to Kentucky to live with my sister-in-law and nephew while my brother was overseas. I was praying that God would show me what was next in my life, what He would have me do, and make it clear to me. On Christmas Eve I broke my arm. Due to the nature of the break I needed physical therapy, so I had to stay home. By the time my arm had healed fully, my sister-in-law was doing better on her own with her son and said I should look for a job and consider staying in Colorado. So I did. I found a job at Southern Gables. That was eight years ago the first of this month.

In 2009 I took a vacation with five friends (my now husband among them) to Lake Powell. When we returned home Paul and I were engaged. With the possibility of Paul's attending nursing school in our future, I knew I needed a full time job. I had recently reduced my never-full-time hours at Gables in order to better serve my pursuit of a second Bachelor's degree (that I now never will get). But soon I would need to be working full time. I returned to work to find out one of my fellow secretaries had quit. My superiors and I discussed the possibility of me taking on her responsibilities in conjunction with my own. It was deemed a good idea and a temporary secretary was hired until I finished the semester. In December I became full time at Southern Gables.

Two years ago this very month I returned home from a delightful vacation to Disney World with my husband and in-laws - it was our "babymoon" and they "tagged along." When I turned my cell phone on, I had a voicemail from my boss asking me to call him when I could. Things had changed while I was away. Hours had been cut in order to better serve the workload. My secretary hours had been cut as well, but the powers-that-be had decided in order to keep me on full-time I would become the web assistant. God preserved my job when I didn't even know I needed the preservation.

I may be afraid that if I choose to be happy at Southern Gables again that it means I have to be there forever and will never be allowed to be home with my children, but the fact is that I need my job and God has provided for me (and my family) again and again through my home church. I should be happy in the provision of God. I work for amazing, godly people who love me and my family. Shame on me for so often forgetting.

Designed for a purpose

As a special treat today, I was able to take an hour out of my work day and attend Mi2, a group for moms that meets twice a month at our church. As a mom who works full time outside the home as well as inside, I don't get to spend much time with other moms. Not even my own. Most moms, I would venture to say, feel some level of isolation due to their occupation - spending enormous amounts of time with those "mini adults" - and the demands it puts on their time - bed time, nap time, play time, dining times, etc., etc. Then there are those moms who also work outside the home. The isolation changes because their time is now divided. They get interaction with adults, but still not the interaction they necessarily need.

What do I mean by that?

Humans need to know they are not alone. As we battle through day-to-day living, we can begin to collapse under the weight of it, especially if we feel isolated, like no one knows what we're going through. This is true of everyone. Now take a mom. There are 24 usable hours in every day. Most of us would love to be asleep for at least 8 of those hours, but we'll be a little more realistic and call it 6 (that is a really good night). If a mom gets up before her kids, let's say she's up by 6, so she went to bed sometime around midnight, but probably before because her precious 6 hours was broken up by needs. OK, so it's 6. Now she gets ready for her day and then she spends it with her kids, caring for her kids, cooking for her kids, cleaning up after her kids, going shopping with her kids, eating with her kids, putting her kids to bed and then hopefully taking a little time for herself from 8 until she collapses into bed. And for most women there is a husband that goes along with all this madness. And I mean madness in a good way.

Take a mom who also works outside the home. She gets up at 6, gets ready, gets her kids ready, takes her kids to their care-takers or school, runs to work, works with people who aren't necessarily interested in what her plans are for dinner, what her daughter said that morning that was so cute, or anything else for that matter, picks her kids up, cooks, eats, spends a few minutes playing, puts her kids to bed and then hopefully takes a little time for herself from 8 until... You get the picture.

Sleep. Wake. Repeat.

Hopefully in the midst of all of this there is a phone call, an email, a coffee date, someone to eat lunch with, etc., someone, anyone, who cares about this mom - stay at home or no - and can listen, pray, laugh, cry, and simply be there for her. We need each other.

But here's what I learned this morning. Get ready because it's big.

I am designed for my life. I was created as a help-meet for my husband, the good man that he is. I was blessed with the privilege to bear our child, and I have the compassion, love, care and instinct to care for her. BUT ONLY WITH GOD'S HELP. He clothes me with strength and dignity (Pr. 31:25); He gives me the ability to speak with wisdom and kindness (Pr. 31:26); He designed me, He goes before me, He upholds me. Being a wife and mother can be exhausting. We are always on-call, rarely acknowledged, often sleep-deprived, and at times (for some of us most of the time) worried. But God designed us to be that encouragement and burst of confidence our husbands need. He designed us to be the band-aid dispenser and professional cuddler while also teaching good manners and living a life of example before our children. He gives us the energy, the drive, the rest, and the HELP we need.

So that is what I realized this morning. I cannot do anything apart from Him. Why do I think my marriage and parenting would be any different? I cannot allow myself to feel or remain isolated. There are a lot of women who are in the same place I am, or who have been there. Women who can walk alongside me and remind me of who I am, what I have been given to do, and that every day, every challenge, every heartache and joy is one more opportunity to love, be joy-filled, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, self-controlled; opportunities for me to point back to my creator who gives me all I need.

with wings

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God"? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:25-31

34. Let My Love Restore

"His thoughts said, 'I am not what I meant to be, or what others think I am.'

"His Father said, 'It is written, "He restoreth my soul. The Law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul." Let some word of Mine restore thee. Let My love restore thee. Didst thou think thou hadst a Father who did not know tha tHis child would need ot be restored? I will restore health unto thee: I will heal thee of they wounds. I will restore comforts unto thee. I will restore unto thee the joy of My salvation. I will renew a right spirit within thee. I will not cast thee away from My Presence.

"'Child of My love, trust thy Father. If the Spirit speaketh some word in thy heart, obey that word. And, before ever thou art aware, thou wilt know thyself restored.'"

from His Thoughts Said... His Father Said...
by Amy Carmichael

I still believe

cancer. death. famine. no water. earthquakes. school shootings.

heard this lyric play on my computer after I read of yet another person's suffering:

"I still believe in Your faithfulness"*

and I do.

*I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp

Over so quickly

So much preparation for something over so quickly. I wore the dress once, ate one slice of the cake, smiled a lot of smiles; we didn't exit the ceremony as we'd planned, didn't dance nearly enough...but in spite of all the planning and all the dreaming, it happened as it was supposed to. It was perfect. Yet it was over so quickly.

What of life?

Over so quickly.... But not.

This week I lost someone very important to me. I don't think she knew how much. And when I think back on who she was and the few short years I truly knew her, I relearn a much needed lesson: THIS life is so much preparation for something that NEVER ends: eternity.

The Human Condition - Part Three

Humans fear growing old.

We see the theme again and again in history, the search for the fountain of youth. It's in movies and books, extreme sports and theme parks. Perhaps we fear death or uselessness, the unknown or the inevitable. Whatever it is, there is a major pull in the human condition to seek that elusive Tree of Life. Is there really a way to stay young forever? I believe there is. But not necessarily physically.

Paul and I were talking the other day about how fearless we are as children. I climbed trees, rode my bike down Suicide Hill, probably ran on the ice. What happened? Suddenly we are painfully aware of the risks of such behavior, and instead of facing risks with boldness, we simply stop. I wonder, is age relative? There are some 80 year olds that seem to embrace life with ease and 30 year olds that are already weighed down with bitterness. It seems that much of our age and ability are in our heads. In how we perceive life itself.

The Lord said we should have the faith of a child. Children can be bluntly honest and kind at the same time, they have few responsibilities but to obey, and they are accepting. With the faith of a child, suddenly eternal life is within our grasp, and though we cannot shirk our adult responsibilities, if we remain pure of heart and motivation, loving, accepting, and believing "as a child," we remain "young at heart" as the song goes, loving every age and stage of life, and "smiling at the future."

10 years later

Yesterday, as most everyone knows, marked the 10th anniversary of the shootings at Columbine High School. I took the day off and spent it with three very special people. We ate breakfast at the school and were allowed to once again walk the halls of CHS. Exactly 10 years to the moment, I was in the room where I sat when I learned of the shooting, I got to see the office where I waited with 59 others for someone to come, and, save for the addition of paint, it all looked exactly as I remembered it. The memories haven't faded.

At the evening's memorial, I was reminded that no matter what happens in my life I have one job to do: live it for Christ, Colossians 2:6-7. I don't have a dramatic Columbine story. It's something I've always been able to face and talk about. I walked away from my high school experience with a firm conviction to cling to God. I praise Him for that. He sent me exactly what I needed in a moment in the midst of chaos: a friend and three words: "Pray with me." To this day I don't know what I would have done had it not been for Craig. And it doesn't matter. God knew what I needed.

Yesterday was the same. It was through my closest friend from CHS that I learned of the breakfast and God allowed me to share it with her as well, not to mention three of the most important friends I have made since high school. And that was what I needed. Cling to God - embrace the present - look forward to the future - accept your past.

My best friend, one of the three, worded her and Paul's role in yesterday very well (she married a man who graduated with me in 1999): "For Paul and I, as the respective significant others, it was good for us to finally be able to go into the mire with Carey and Clinton and to stand tall next to them. To be the constant, ever present reminder that this was indeed the past we were visiting and that it can be let go of now. I think with our presence there, it helped to highlight the fact that the past has no more power over us than what we allow it. And that the present and future are only as strong and bright as the good we extract from the bad in the past." (emphasis mine)

I am grateful to them for their presence and that reminder as well as the love they both showed me in both the somber and the silly moments. I say it often, but it must be said:
I am blessed. I love you both.
And to the man who provided a lot of that laughter, thank you for loving my best friend. It was an honor to share the day with you.

We have a responsibility to learn from what we experience. I am reminded anew of the fact that no person is insignificant and everyone influences someone, even if only for a moment. I am thankful for all the men and women in my life that have challenged and encouraged me. Without them I would be less. May we always give all that we are.

Warning: what follows is not for the faint of heart

Today is February 12, 2009. Charles Darwin would have been 200 years old today had not the "Survival of the Fittest" come to bite him in the butt. You see freakishly old people aren't good for the gene pool and therefore must die. Happy birthday, Mr. Darwin. (I really don't think he was all that surprised, the man was a theologian after all.)

There is a lot going on on campus today in honor of this man and his achievements. I am tempted to be sitting in on them to be perfectly honest, to try to understand. Because I don't understand. I get survival of the fittest. You are stronger than that guy and you have to fight him for food. "That guy" loses and you get to eat. Congratulations to you. But that is where my understanding runs out.

In class on Tuesday my professor mentioned a man who believes we have eradicated "survival of the fittest" in this day and age because of medication, proper nutrition, mass production of food. Of course the second you begin arguing this case you discover different members of the "fittest" class - so long as you have money, live in the right country, have skills for the right job, etc., etc. But then apparently I'm going to die from a common form of melanoma and not contribute my freakishly pale skin to the gene pool. Of course that thought ticks me off because pale people can be smart and take precautions and stay alive a little longer than some may predict. Just like women can have babies that are over 7 pounds without a C-section (my mom had 5 such babies). So apparently I'm a double miracle: I was a big baby and I've lived to be sunburned more than once. Look out, Darwin, I might just have the firepower to prove you wrong.

I don't remember if I blogged on my realization that the advancement of the intelligence of man has created an environment where a small, very small, portion of our population is BRILLIANT which allows the majority to be morons with little to no morals and absolutely no self-control. Not saying that we are all members of the moronic class, of course, but the brilliantly minded individuals are allowing for that to occur, if you will. You see if survival of the fittest were truly working we wouldn't create cars that won't start if your blood alcohol level is too high, drunk people wouldn't survive crashes while the mom and her kid in the other car bleed to death on the side of the road. So perhaps survival of the fittest still exists but is flawed due to our advancement of technology. The rich get to survive, the drunk get to survive, liars and thieves...but if you're a brown moth in a forest of aspens, look out!

That is merely one example born of my prof telling us about those cars. I've already mentioned my sheep theory in an earlier post. Ever wonder about survival of the fittest and Noah? Hm...

Don't get me started on the conveniently missing "missing link" or the fact that fish evolved to have gills but whales still need air? Why did they get jipped? The really scary thing is that I'm not intelligent enough or schooled enough to back up my rantings. I want to learn, I want to be able to sit down with someone and have a logical conversation about all of this, but I don't think they listen to themselves. It doesn't make any sense! The man presenting his paper this morning that I heard during my class said something about gills evolving and whales "adapting" themselves for an aquatic environment where we did not. Why did they stop where they did? Why didn't they develop gills too? And he was talking about random selection and common ancestors, clades and grades and biological evolutionists trying to be heard by the common man. Apparently theists that are also evolutionists are losing their footing on both grounds - people aren't taking God seriously and they aren't taking evolution seriously.

The first time I've ever heard the words "who's Darwin" was yesterday from the mouth of a 14 year old. So apparently they don't have the hold on the future that I thought they did. I don't want to discount people simply because they tell me we evolved from apes, feeling fully confident in their claims because of Lucy, the skeleton they found (well they found 40% of her anyway) that proves we started walking upright before our brains got so big. I want to enter into intelligent conversation with them. Problem is neither of us will listen to each other. Thing is though, that like I said earlier, they don't listen to themselves! Neanderthal infants had brains the size of modern infants. So they got dumber as they got older? What?

My professor believes in God on Saturday and Sunday. He says that science eventually runs out of ways to explain what we see in the world and we need the supernatural. Fact of the matter is my God has nothing to fear from science. Why does science believe it has so much to fear from a God that set all this wonderfulness in motion? Why is he just an afterthought for some and non-existant for others? I think the majority of the population isn't sure what they believe about evolution. They learn it in school and they move on. Sad thing is the same can be said of people and their belief in God (only they don't get to learn it in school). So maybe I have more in common with an evolutionist than I thought - neither of us can get people to listen to what we believe to be absolute truth and believe it.

Thankfully for me God does the majority of the work. I just need to be faithful and keep learning and professing. I need to keep learning about Him, and I need to keep learning about where the world is at. If I'm not informed how can I expect other people to be? I can't afford to "check my brain at the door" no matter how much faith I have (and praise be to God my "I just don't get it" bug doesn't affect my belief in Him). Thanks, Leah, for helping me re-realize that; I'm praying for you. God gave me faith and He gave me intelligence. I need to make sure I exercise both.

So happy birthday, Mr. Darwin. Thanks for the challenge.

How can I give less?

"God loved them with all of his heart. And they were lovely because he loved them." - The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones

What an amazing truth that is! What a tremendous reminder! There are often times in my life when I feel quite 'unlovely' - either because of my attitude or I'm just not looking in the mirror with a friendly eye. But the truth is, no matter how I do at work, or how hard I have to try to understand the distribution of a graph, or how quickly I snap at someone over something that has no meaning in the grand scheme of life, God loves me.

Of course, that doesn't leave me freedom to behave as I choose; in fact, the way I see it, it only leaves me to respond in love, to strive to be more and more like Christ every day. My worth is not bound in what I see or what I do or how easily something comes to me. My worth is bound up in the fact that God loves me; He thinks I'm worth giving everything - even the life of His only Son - to have me in relationship with Him.

That truth is worth standing for, fighting for, living for, dying for, and striving to obey - out of love - what this great God has commanded. He gave His all - how can I give any less? Mark 12:29-31

...the song still in them...

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation

and go to the grave with the song still in them."

~Henry David Thoreau

The song of your soul should not be quieted. Life is not hopeless, it is not pointless, it is a gift. We are here to glorify our God in all we say, do, think. The song you are given is unique to you. If you choose not to share it, your life is one "of quiet desperation," and the world sees one more life pass without gleaning all it could from it. Your life has purpose. God has a plan for you and all you have to do is surrender to Him and live your life, singing the song He puts in your soul.

Whether you touch one life or one million, what more could you have done but that which you are given to do? Glorify God. Seek Him above all else. No matter what it looks like, today is not just like yesterday, tomorrow will bring new challenges; live today, praise God today, no matter what. What do you have to fear? Storm the gates of hell, Child of God, for there is nothing to fear. The Lamb wins.

...shared thoughts of one looking in a mirror...