Reflections on Middle School

Middle School. Typically when one thinks of that bridge between the great fun of Elementary School and the challenge and adventure of High School, there is a knot in the stomach, a headache forming behind the yes, or a simple scream sounding from somewhere, though one typically denies the source is one's own heart.

Those brief years that take us from ages 12 to 13 or 14 are full of so many changes, both physical and emotional, that people usually give it a bad rap. Middle schools are treated as haz mat zones and their occupants as ticking time bombs.

I spent my two years in middle school on two continents, in two schools, speaking two different languages, living two different lifestyles. As if there isn't enough to deal with in middle school.

Before you get too impressed by the third item listed, you should know my seventh grade class was a "German Immersion" class in which we were to learn everything but math and English in German. It didn't really work that way. To this day math and English are my best subjects.

When I think of middle school, these are the words that come to mind: clique, bully, imagination, cat fights, sleepovers, humility, lessons, change, stubbornness, pride, friends, isolation, crushes, Greek Mythology, Algebra, field trips, my rock collection, Linda, Amber, Shae, Lindsey, Stella, Austria, "Ich bin ein Berliner," sign language, Mia, drama class, Twix, tornado warnings, I could go on and on. But do you know what I see in this list? My life. My friends. The iron that sharpened me. Experiences that shaped who I am to this day. There are multiple stories connected to each word, and every single one - the good, the bad and the ugly - is a part of who I am today.

Middle school is given a poor reputation. Truly. Think about it. Yes we were stubborn and trying too hard during those years, but we still had fun, took the time to be silly, listened to those wiser than us, enjoyed the small things. Yes we took things too seriously sometimes and thought the world was crashing around us she we didn't get our way, but we learned through mistakes and hopefully grew through those times. Boys and girls in middle school don't need another person telling them to shape up, they need people to laugh with them, cry with them, encourage them. Tell the girl turning into a cat to lighten up. Tell the boy falling in love with himself the story of Narcissus. Take them to an amusement park and let them be kids a few more years.

I honestly think the experiences my friends and I went through in middle school kept us from turning into those nasty girls you want to avoid. It was a rough lesson, but I wouldn't trade it. It's a part of me. I want to thank those friends in Germany I listed above. Thank you for being my friend through some of the most challenging years and being a part of who I became. I'd like to thank my 7th grade math teacher for telling my parents I would never be good at math. I'd like to thank Mia for befriending me, that weird American from Europe. I'd like to thank my mom for making me do that song from Starlight Express in drama class, that my teacher told me "took guts."

Hug a middle schooler. Seriously. They need it. Ignore the eye roll and do it. And remember that they may be boy crazy, full of themselves, awkward, falling out over seemingly stupid things, throwing their school work across the room, yelling, slamming doors, spending their money on silly things, and eating a lot, but that's a part of growing up. Remember that they are learning through it all. You were there once. Think back. Don't flinch away from the memories. Embrace them. Middle school is crazy, but if it didn't happen when it does, I think it would be that much harder. God knows what He's doing. I doubt Jesus' friends had TeenBop posters plastered on their walls, but they went through changes that made their parents roll their eyes. What we call middle school, they called growing up. Sure there are things about middle school in America that make it a bit more dramatic than it has to be, and we try too hard to grow up too fast in all the wrong ways while ignoring the important things, maybe, but it is all a part of becoming who we are to become. I for one am thankful for middle school. They are actually, surprisingly, some of the years I miss the most.

The Year's Top Ten

Due to my job and ministry schedules, I have chosen to date my "year" from Senior Salute to Senior Salute (May 2, 2009-May 8, 2010). Here, in order of appearance, are my top ten most memorable moments:

1. Watching Stephen play Brom Bones in Sleepy Hollow.
2. Brien and Andria's wedding.
3. Summer Camp - specifically hanging out with my cabin!!!!, playing cards with Rachel, and my very long walk (and awesome view of the waterfall) with Isabelle!
4. Lake Powell (Too many moments, I decided this needed another blog entry)
5. Watching Laura star in Pygmalion
6. Bridal Showers, wedding dress shopping, all that went into putting together our wedding
7. Our Wedding Day (spending time with my bridesmaids!!! and FAMILY and of course marrying my husband :o)
8. Jamaica (7&8 deserve their own blog entries too!)
   
9. Praying for Laura and Kara the last night of i2i
10. Encouraging, praying with and speaking into Kara's life at the Salute

I'm looking forward to all the moments in this new year!

Today I'm a little emotional.

Today is a day I have a tendency to be a bit more emotional than other days. Most would say with good reason. I fight it, though. Usually as this day approaches each year a battle begins within me. Do I acknowledge the hurt? Is there really hurt or am I being dramatic for the attention? I was healed of this long ago, why do I still think this day will be different? versus This day did happen. I cannot deny that it is a part of who I am. I will live today as I do every other day, but as the emotions come, I will embrace them. I will allow this day to affect how I view all the others, to see them even more clearly as gifts from the Lord Almighty.

This battle tends to make me even more exhausted by the time the dawn comes.

And come it does in all its glory, proclaiming the risen Lord, reminding us that life goes on each day with potential for change, renewal, and giving.

So I receive the texts, "Praying for you." "I love you!" "You're the best" and the facebook messages, "Peace be to you, Carey" and read the statuses of others and their testimony as to God's faithfulness in the past 11 years. Hallelujah! We serve a great God.

These things make me weep. I weep because I am here, I am loved, I have purpose. I weep for the brokenness I still see in others over this day. I weep because the high school girls I work with, especially I think of the seniors, finished their school day today without a hiccup. They will go to school tomorrow. They will finish their senior year like any normal person. They will graduate with only happy tears.

Tragedy affects who we are, how we see the world, and how we interact with it. Jesus is the reason I have hope and anyone who knows Him should know that each day is a gift, life is not something you waste, but I believe anyone who has encountered tragedy in their lives must acknowledge and never fall into forgetting that we are called to affect the world. We must acknowledge the tragedy itself as a gift, a magnifying glass, as it were, to be able to see God's gifts more clearly. Here I stand. Breathing air. The Holy Spirit within me and the world before me. What am I going to do about it?

Weep. For my own forgetfulness and fear. For languishing in comfort. But I know I cannot waste my life. April 20, 1999 is simply one reason I can point to as to why. One among many.

Missing childhood...

Things I miss:

• crying without need to explain (even to myself)
  
• the lack of fear that had me scurrying up trees and skating down steep hills with nary a care
• finding joy in the simple things, like my rock collection... Yeah, that simple.
  
• always knowing I was the greatest writer - even when everything I wrote wasn't worth the paper I put it on (trust me)
  
• knowing what I wanted to be and believing with everything I had that it would happen - even when it changed every day, week, year, whatever, it was POSSIBLE and it was happening!
  
• my imagination
• choir
• acting
• sign language
• England
• pizza on Friday nights
• pizza!
• reading for hours on end
• sleep

10 years later

Yesterday, as most everyone knows, marked the 10th anniversary of the shootings at Columbine High School. I took the day off and spent it with three very special people. We ate breakfast at the school and were allowed to once again walk the halls of CHS. Exactly 10 years to the moment, I was in the room where I sat when I learned of the shooting, I got to see the office where I waited with 59 others for someone to come, and, save for the addition of paint, it all looked exactly as I remembered it. The memories haven't faded.

At the evening's memorial, I was reminded that no matter what happens in my life I have one job to do: live it for Christ, Colossians 2:6-7. I don't have a dramatic Columbine story. It's something I've always been able to face and talk about. I walked away from my high school experience with a firm conviction to cling to God. I praise Him for that. He sent me exactly what I needed in a moment in the midst of chaos: a friend and three words: "Pray with me." To this day I don't know what I would have done had it not been for Craig. And it doesn't matter. God knew what I needed.

Yesterday was the same. It was through my closest friend from CHS that I learned of the breakfast and God allowed me to share it with her as well, not to mention three of the most important friends I have made since high school. And that was what I needed. Cling to God - embrace the present - look forward to the future - accept your past.

My best friend, one of the three, worded her and Paul's role in yesterday very well (she married a man who graduated with me in 1999): "For Paul and I, as the respective significant others, it was good for us to finally be able to go into the mire with Carey and Clinton and to stand tall next to them. To be the constant, ever present reminder that this was indeed the past we were visiting and that it can be let go of now. I think with our presence there, it helped to highlight the fact that the past has no more power over us than what we allow it. And that the present and future are only as strong and bright as the good we extract from the bad in the past." (emphasis mine)

I am grateful to them for their presence and that reminder as well as the love they both showed me in both the somber and the silly moments. I say it often, but it must be said:
I am blessed. I love you both.
And to the man who provided a lot of that laughter, thank you for loving my best friend. It was an honor to share the day with you.

We have a responsibility to learn from what we experience. I am reminded anew of the fact that no person is insignificant and everyone influences someone, even if only for a moment. I am thankful for all the men and women in my life that have challenged and encouraged me. Without them I would be less. May we always give all that we are.

tear-filled joy

Getting ready to blog on my wonderful Tuesday evening, I was double checking to make sure I'd never blogged on my thoughts of the Phantom of the Opera before. As I was doing so I ran across this post about my experience in Nigeria over 2 years ago. Reading it brought tears to my eyes.

I have often said this time of year will never pass without my thinking of that trip. As our 2009 team prepares to head out tomorrow morning, my heart aches to go. All the more now that I've read my entry of so many months ago. I am glad of the memories, glad of the experiences, and pray that the Lord will work mightily not only in those leaving tomorrow, but in the lives of those they go to see and of those of us they leave behind.

Godspeed Southern Gables Nigeria Team 2009!

Salt Lake City - After (it's a long one!)

You are here...
...to help the hurting
...to encounter Christ
...to lead.

What an amazing week! To be honest, I'm still kind of shocked it's over (though we returned a week ago). I wish I hadn't wasted Sunday and Monday struggling with my own attitude, but I awoke Tuesday with renewed energy and joy at being in Salt Lake City. Praise God that I was able to get past myself at least a little and be fully there. It was a blessing and a privilege to hear the students process this week and all they heard. We got to spend time Tuesday night with my former youth pastor and hear his charge to our students. Wednesday night Kelly and I got to hear the girls process an incredible presentation on leadership! Seriously, it was incredible!

I am so excited to see what happens not only in the ministry I serve in at large but also in my own life and leadership! One thing I was reminded of this week was that God is bigger - than anything I could ever fear or worry about or wonder about or get stressed over. When something seems too big all I need to do is take a deep breath, remember He is bigger, He is in control, and take it all one step at a time.

Some thoughts and questions I boxed while taking notes:

• Where does your passion lie?
• (Rev. 4) How do you see God?
• (Acts 16:11-34) Show the Gospel by our radical generosity, inexplicable love, and our possession of radical joy in the midst of hardship and persecution.
• Valuing something more than life itself - that is what we worship.
• The love of Christ compels me...
• Where is your heart, your home?
• (John 4) What things do you rely on to make you happy? - Where do you seek fulfillment? - God is the only source for joy, love, fulfillment.
• Spend time with God.
• When headed somewhere you aren't quite sure how God can use you - ask Him why, be open to whatever He might have for you in that place.
• It's about surrender - you and God.
• (Dan 3) What are you willing to give up? That shows the value you put on God.
• What you focus on expands.
• Be a river flowing, not a flood destroying (Pr. 29:18)
• Remember the iceberg - your character is the 90% below the surface and it will always be the part that sinks the ship (Lk 6)
• Your greatest value is what is inside (2 Cor 5:17)
• Light a candle, don't curse the darkness.
• Why are we embarrassed by Jesus?
• Count the cost.
• Love people - listen to them.
• God is with you
• Pray for opportunity
• What God starts, God provides the resources to finish.

This isn't even everything. It's years of life lessons crammed into one week. Good reminders, new lessons, challenges and promises. I can count the cost, seek God, serve Him, live for Him, love and be a fool for Him - He is bigger, He is the only one that will never fail me, and He is reaching out to this generation, to every generation, to stand up and fight against the world, one soul at a time. Me first.

Nigeria

I started this blog long after I returned from Nigeria in March of last year. I feel a need to say something about my trip, though I know I speak of it often. This is quite long.

More and more over the past week or two I have been reminded of my experience and what it meant to me. Having a memory that seems to fade all too quickly, I fear losing the memory of the sights, smells, textures, emotional exhaustion, joy, wonder, and peace that bombarded me in Jos.

I can still see it all so clearly, feel it all as well, picturing myself walking across the tiled floor of the common room at our hostel and feeling the coolness under my feet, feeling my skirt against my legs, smelling the wonderful food cooking in the kitchen and hearing the laughter of the cooks as they worked so diligently. Sitting with Steph and talking about the trip, our experiences, home; hanging out with the girls as they created birthday signs for Mike. Sitting on the swing, watching the girls and Zac jump on the trampoline, doing back flips, talking about what they enjoyed about the trip and how it was to come to an end all too soon.

Walking through the Bush village with Steph after our climb, surrounded by children, hearing no English, meeting all the elders of the village. Seeing the flies swarm around the sugarcane, wondering how long we'd actually been gone. The look on Samson's face when he "found" us - the look on Jane's face when we got back to the vans. The numbing cold of the night as we slept in tents. The darkness that surrounded and engulfed us as we slept far from any man-made light. The laughter in our tent, the rooster that crowed all too often and all too soon for my liking. Walking out into the trees as dawn began to creep over the horizon, covered in the same haze that covered everything constantly.

Maneuvering through the narrow passages of Blind Town, taking countless pictures and letting the kids see themselves on the screen. Standing by, waiting for our group to move on, smelling a pot of rice, hearing the movement of the livestock behind me and the laughter of the children beyond where I could see. Watching people crawl along the dirt caked corridors, dreading the thought of what it must look like during the rainy season.

First driving from the airport at Abuja to Jos, seeing Africa - this small corner of it - for the first time. The sights, the smells, the constant haze. The van rides were fun for me - a chance to see more of the country as well as time spent with our team.

Worshiping with Nigerian brothers and sisters. Hearing their rich, strong voices fill the church. Listening to the boys at Transition House sing - praises to our God, songs I knew well and songs they themselves had written. Standing in a long, narrow building, it felt much like an oven, clapping to the music that rose from the mouths of Jos prison inmates - 30 minutes without a pause. Standing, my team behind me, and giving my testimony to these men, someone translating it into Hausa at my side. The peace I felt was God-given and strong.

There are so many other memories: VBS, the hospital, EMS, beef jerky and Goldfish, Purel, Malaria meds, 2 litre water bottles, Bill Cosby, Internet cafes, shopping for fabric and jewelry, sitting in the hallway journaling while Steph slept, the Irish missionaries visiting, meals, meetings, speed scrabble, listening to Zac play his guitar, watching Ice Age 2, the ants in the carpet, the mosquitoes everywhere, Deet, the massive amounts of people, the smell of burning trash, a picnic on the rocks, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a bridge that miraculously holds the weight of a fully loaded bus, a ceiling fan that reached velocities that matched a gale force wind, dancing, laughing, singing, eating, walking, praying, learning.

I learned a lot on the trip and afterwards - if you're interested, I'll share it with you. The Lord is tremendously faithful and good beyond description.

It sounds hokey, but true for me, when I say, Africa gets in your blood.