A few cool drops of water

A new year. A fresh wind.

I told a friend the other day I feel it may be sprinkling in my wilderness. A few cool drops of water. I struggle with the thought to run for cover. It is such a difficult thing to allow change - even for the better. I get so comfortable in my fear and stagnation. But it is dangerous and deadly here. There is no growth or serving of others.

By definition there is no shelter in the wilderness. Not aside from God, anyway. His wings shelter me. So even if I did want to run from the blessing of His refreshing, the only place I have is towards Him - into Him - like Lucy burying her face in Aslan's mane.

Lean into Him.

So I begin 2015 with a desire and a prayer. I desire to study God's word, and I pray He shows me

• how He sees me.
• Himself in truth, not distorted by my false sense of self.
• the truth about my role as mother and wife and ministry leader and friend and...
• how I can serve Him.
• whatever He wants to show me.

I am returning to Paul's letters, passages I once knew so well, to see what they have to say with fresh eyes. My children will one day encounter the sorts of things Paul writes about. How beautiful, then, that he also writes about how we, as believers, can prepare for, combat, defeat the enemy set out to destroy us. These are the things my children and I need to be trained in - the ways of the Lord.

As my understanding of the Father grows and the few drops of water become a proper rainfall in this wilderness, flowers will begin to bud and bloom. There is life here - even in the healing - even when it cannot be seen.

God's Faithfulness

A few days ago I was asked, along with my fellow small group members, to think about God's faithfulness in answering prayer. The specific answers I thought of surprised me. I shared with the group the humbling reality that I do not always care for my job, but it is clear that God's providence has placed me there and kept me there for His good purposes.

In 2004 I was planning on moving to Kentucky to live with my sister-in-law and nephew while my brother was overseas. I was praying that God would show me what was next in my life, what He would have me do, and make it clear to me. On Christmas Eve I broke my arm. Due to the nature of the break I needed physical therapy, so I had to stay home. By the time my arm had healed fully, my sister-in-law was doing better on her own with her son and said I should look for a job and consider staying in Colorado. So I did. I found a job at Southern Gables. That was eight years ago the first of this month.

In 2009 I took a vacation with five friends (my now husband among them) to Lake Powell. When we returned home Paul and I were engaged. With the possibility of Paul's attending nursing school in our future, I knew I needed a full time job. I had recently reduced my never-full-time hours at Gables in order to better serve my pursuit of a second Bachelor's degree (that I now never will get). But soon I would need to be working full time. I returned to work to find out one of my fellow secretaries had quit. My superiors and I discussed the possibility of me taking on her responsibilities in conjunction with my own. It was deemed a good idea and a temporary secretary was hired until I finished the semester. In December I became full time at Southern Gables.

Two years ago this very month I returned home from a delightful vacation to Disney World with my husband and in-laws - it was our "babymoon" and they "tagged along." When I turned my cell phone on, I had a voicemail from my boss asking me to call him when I could. Things had changed while I was away. Hours had been cut in order to better serve the workload. My secretary hours had been cut as well, but the powers-that-be had decided in order to keep me on full-time I would become the web assistant. God preserved my job when I didn't even know I needed the preservation.

I may be afraid that if I choose to be happy at Southern Gables again that it means I have to be there forever and will never be allowed to be home with my children, but the fact is that I need my job and God has provided for me (and my family) again and again through my home church. I should be happy in the provision of God. I work for amazing, godly people who love me and my family. Shame on me for so often forgetting.

The Night Watch

Why are times of sorrow, struggle, doubt times when we find ourselves up at odd hours of the night? We can't sleep, so we toss and turn. A new baby wakes every two to three hours. Children often get sick at night. I, for one, always find myself praying for dawn. All I need is light to give me that glimmer of hope, that whisper of a promise. When someone else is awake, I can cope a little bit better.

But the Lord never sleeps.

I am not going through one of these times. In fact, recently, my daughter has decided sleeping through the night is a pretty good deal, and I agree with her. But as I woke this morning, as I usually do these days, before dawn, I thought I would read through "The Night Watch," a prayer time that falls typically from midnight to dawn. I rarely read these prayers and readings because I am so literal. They are the midnight prayers, the night vigil, and I am up intending for my day to begin. I am glad I made an exception today.

Here are some of the words I read this morning:

Psalm 119:147-148
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words.
My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promise."

Why is the author awake? So he can "meditate on [God's] promise"! I rarely think about meditating on God's promises when I find myself awake against my will. But consider if I woke up ON PURPOSE to cry out to God and meditate on His promises during times of great struggle, doubt and oppression. What if we all did during those times for each other or our country?

My dear mentor, who is helping me, encouraging me, and participating with me to memorize scripture, has told me to take a line or a verse from the passage and focus on it all day. What does it mean? How does it apply to situations in life? Today, as I read through Psalm 63 as a part of this prayer time, I found myself reading four verses through again and again:

Psalm 63:5-8
"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Within these verses are promises remembered, refuge taken, praises sung. Notice the benefit for our souls when we meditate on the Lord "in the watches of the night": "satisfied as with fat and rich food." How hungry my soul has become over the years. Too often I neglect that which my soul needs in times of greatest need. It is the Lord who sustains and upholds me.

It is different for me to think of being up during the night as a time to seek the Lord's face and rest in His promises, meditating on all He is - in other words a blessing - but I pray I remember to do just that when it happens because He is not a God of day alone, but He created the night as well.

Reflections on Middle School

Middle School. Typically when one thinks of that bridge between the great fun of Elementary School and the challenge and adventure of High School, there is a knot in the stomach, a headache forming behind the yes, or a simple scream sounding from somewhere, though one typically denies the source is one's own heart.

Those brief years that take us from ages 12 to 13 or 14 are full of so many changes, both physical and emotional, that people usually give it a bad rap. Middle schools are treated as haz mat zones and their occupants as ticking time bombs.

I spent my two years in middle school on two continents, in two schools, speaking two different languages, living two different lifestyles. As if there isn't enough to deal with in middle school.

Before you get too impressed by the third item listed, you should know my seventh grade class was a "German Immersion" class in which we were to learn everything but math and English in German. It didn't really work that way. To this day math and English are my best subjects.

When I think of middle school, these are the words that come to mind: clique, bully, imagination, cat fights, sleepovers, humility, lessons, change, stubbornness, pride, friends, isolation, crushes, Greek Mythology, Algebra, field trips, my rock collection, Linda, Amber, Shae, Lindsey, Stella, Austria, "Ich bin ein Berliner," sign language, Mia, drama class, Twix, tornado warnings, I could go on and on. But do you know what I see in this list? My life. My friends. The iron that sharpened me. Experiences that shaped who I am to this day. There are multiple stories connected to each word, and every single one - the good, the bad and the ugly - is a part of who I am today.

Middle school is given a poor reputation. Truly. Think about it. Yes we were stubborn and trying too hard during those years, but we still had fun, took the time to be silly, listened to those wiser than us, enjoyed the small things. Yes we took things too seriously sometimes and thought the world was crashing around us she we didn't get our way, but we learned through mistakes and hopefully grew through those times. Boys and girls in middle school don't need another person telling them to shape up, they need people to laugh with them, cry with them, encourage them. Tell the girl turning into a cat to lighten up. Tell the boy falling in love with himself the story of Narcissus. Take them to an amusement park and let them be kids a few more years.

I honestly think the experiences my friends and I went through in middle school kept us from turning into those nasty girls you want to avoid. It was a rough lesson, but I wouldn't trade it. It's a part of me. I want to thank those friends in Germany I listed above. Thank you for being my friend through some of the most challenging years and being a part of who I became. I'd like to thank my 7th grade math teacher for telling my parents I would never be good at math. I'd like to thank Mia for befriending me, that weird American from Europe. I'd like to thank my mom for making me do that song from Starlight Express in drama class, that my teacher told me "took guts."

Hug a middle schooler. Seriously. They need it. Ignore the eye roll and do it. And remember that they may be boy crazy, full of themselves, awkward, falling out over seemingly stupid things, throwing their school work across the room, yelling, slamming doors, spending their money on silly things, and eating a lot, but that's a part of growing up. Remember that they are learning through it all. You were there once. Think back. Don't flinch away from the memories. Embrace them. Middle school is crazy, but if it didn't happen when it does, I think it would be that much harder. God knows what He's doing. I doubt Jesus' friends had TeenBop posters plastered on their walls, but they went through changes that made their parents roll their eyes. What we call middle school, they called growing up. Sure there are things about middle school in America that make it a bit more dramatic than it has to be, and we try too hard to grow up too fast in all the wrong ways while ignoring the important things, maybe, but it is all a part of becoming who we are to become. I for one am thankful for middle school. They are actually, surprisingly, some of the years I miss the most.

When I grow up...

Of all the blogs I have waiting in the wings to finish, this is the one that seems the most important.

As our daughter grows up before someone else's eyes, I struggle with the reality that I am her mom. Little things remind me and encourage me, such as: when I realize Paul and I change more diapers on average, the strained "Mama" I hear at 6:30 a.m., and the fact that no matter how recently she's eaten, she is always hungry when I pick her up at the end of the day. On the whole, though, I am usually fighting the feeling that I am simply a night-watchman, a babysitter, or a wet nurse to this precious child.

A major source of encouragement comes from those loving hearts that are watching her grow and change: my parents. Not just the couple that raised me, but the couple that raised my husband as well. When I say something particularly discouraging, they endeavor to express to me that what is happening is normal and assure me I am doing OK. They always talk about how delightful she is and share stories of her day with me. Although they each have had their experiences raising five children, they always ask me before they expose our daughter to something new, be it experience or food (which really is an experience in itself). The most amazing thing is that when I start talking about what I'm learning and how I want to do this or that, they listen and don't rush to say, "I know" or explain why I'm off my rocker (and believe me, they know everything I'm telling them and they have their opinions). Between them they've raised 10 kids, and they patiently listen to me tell them how to raise our daughter. For a know-it-all, this is a humbling realization that literally (right this moment) brings tears to my eyes.

So here I am 30 years old still learning from my parents. I am so thankful to have them to learn from and always serve as an example of how I want to be when I grow up: patient, understanding, loving, knowledgeable, teachable, giving.

2 down...84 to go

I set out to use Lent as a time of preparation for this new season of life: Paul in nursing school. I don't know how successful I was. Mostly I don't know that you can fully prepare for something like this. I think I learned more in the first week than I did over Lent. The lesson that repeated, though, was that God is in control and His strength is the only way we can get through anything in our lives. Definitely what I need to remember.

I did not yet know the extent of my selfishness before this began. Truly. That is one thing I learned the first week. I probably still don't. Things were bumpy until I forced myself to think about all of this from Paul's perspective and encourage him the way he needs it. Not being surly but rub his shoulders, make meals, keep the coffee stocked. There are and will be other things we need to work through together, but the first lesson is learned: this isn't easy on either of us and part of my job is to help.

I actually have successfully prepared meals and kept the kitchen clean. I get to work mostly on time despite having to take V somewhere every day. I realize two weeks is nothing in light of 21 months, but it gives me hope for all of it. Only by God's strength, though, because by Thursday I'm beat! And only by His strength, presence and mercy can I continue to pour into my home all the encouragement, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, love and respect my man and baby girl need. 84 weeks? This is the rest of our lives!

I love learning

Today I was asked a question about the Seven Spirits of God that are mentioned four times in Revelation. I confess I knew nothing. So I looked up the Revelation verses, checked out a commentary or two and looked up the Greek. There is nothing special about the words used. Seven means the number seven and Spirit is the same Greek word used every time the Holy Spirit is mentioned in the New Testament. So why "seven spirits"?

Apparently there are differing viewpoints. One drew me to a passage I had forgotten about, Isaiah 11. These verses speak of Jesus. Verse two talks about the Spirit: "And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD." But only six things are listed here. Apparently that's why not everyone agrees this is what is meant.

My favorite description is that the number seven is used to depict completion and perfection. So the "seven spirits" simply emphasizes the fullness of the Spirit of God. In Revelation 1 He speaks with the Father and the Son. In Revelation 3 and 5, Christ has Him. In Revelation 4 He is before the throne with the Father. Naturally my interpretation could be wrong, but it was fun to look into and consider. In fact through this He seems to be all the more a part of the Godhead. Here you can see the "Trinity," as it has been titled. And it was nice to reread Isaiah 11 realizing that same Spirit dwells in me, and the promises of that chapter are true! Christ has fulfilled the prophecies!

More good advice

2 Peter 1:3-11

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

I am afraid of my own selfishness. For it has no place: faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, love. I fear this new season lastly because of my own potential for failure. But I have all I need: "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness...." What a promise!

4:9

"What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:9

What does my daughter see and hear? What will she learn? We dedicated our daughter publicly on Sunday. One of the verses we chose for her was Philippians 4:8. All day today I kept thinking about 4:9. This is what we would like to be able to tell her. Live such that she can practice her life as she sees us living ours out. Wow.

I am so thankful, as I know Paul is, for family and friends who will not only help us live as we ought, but will also be examples themselves for our daughter all her life.

ALL - what I gleaned from this morning's sermon

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength....You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:37, 39

Heart - all affections are centered on Christ. Everything else flows from that love.
I love my family out of the overflow of loving Christ, out of my obedience to Christ. I cannot love them without first loving Him.

Soul - all emotions must be brought to worship and poured out; it permeates everything.
Every decision I make, every emotion I feel can be poured out to the Lord and consecrated as worship. My soul is eternal. I must know how to worship Him eternally.

Mind - all of our knowledge of God must become obedience. Take every thought captive; pursue truth.
Knowing God is the goal, not just knowing of Him. If I know Him and take my thoughts captive, pursuing His truth, I will not be weighed down by the worries of this world or let the lies of the enemy take any kind of hold.

Strength - all of our time, talents and treasure need to be consecrated to the Lord as an act of worship
Once again I think of my work being done for the Lord alone. I also wrestle with knowing my talents and using them.

Neighbor - we last forever and therefore the way we treat each other is worship. Jesus laid down His life for us.
My interactions with coworkers, friends, strangers on the street, are all acts of worship. I have never considered this. But what strikes me most about this, especially in light of desiring to prepare myself for the next season of my family's life, is that how I treat my husband is an act of worship; how I treat our daughter is an act of worship. Humbling thoughts.

All of life is worship. Not just what I can muster. I cannot use being tired or busy or distracted as excuses. I must simply live a life of worship, consecrated to my God and King. What a beautiful thing this must be.

The Power of the Spoken Word

This morning my Bible study focused on controlling your tongue. I was reminded of the power of words through the Proverbs, but then again this evening when I returned home.

I found some time I hadn't been expecting after work, but rather than getting to do something "special," it simply freed up my time for me to go to the store and get food. I realized as I scrambled to get the shopping done and get home before my daughter needed to eat again, thinking all the time of what needed to get done and in what order to get dinner done at a reasonable time, that my husband was at home. This in itself is not unusual; we often leave the gathering of V up to me to allow him some time at home to get things done. It was then I realized I never get time at home alone. I do not really wish it; I want to spend time with my family and working full time does not allow for much of that. But though I want to be with my family there is also the desire to have a little time to myself in my space to get things organized or to simply sit in my home and read a book without the clock breathing down my neck to get dinner cooked or get to bed or do the dishes or or or.

I recognize this is a desire of parents everywhere. I am not unique in it. And that is precisely my personal lesson for the day. When it was a thought in my head it was simply something to be discussed with my husband and a possible consideration for some afternoon or other, but when I got home it became something else. I started brooding and as soon as I spoke the words they were my worst enemy. What a consideration! To never have a moment's peace! The villainy! Then from there it got bigger, suddenly no one cared about how much I had to do or what my day looked like. No one wanted to know how I was doing.

As I forced myself to regain my good mood and composure I realized I had allowed myself to get worked up out of purely selfish motivations. Yes I can have time to myself, I simply need to talk to my husband about it. But as soon as I started complaining it took on a whole new life. The lies were flying all over. The spoken word has such power.

When I spend my time in thanksgiving, I am much easier to live with than when I wallow in self-pity and complaint.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:21

Seasons

I have thought a lot lately about seasons. Seasons of life. The "new normal" as it has been tagged. Today is Ash Wednesday. Rather than giving something up for Lent I have decided to take something on. With as little time as I feel I have, this could seem foolish. Perhaps it is. However beginning in April my family will be entering a new season of life as my husband begins his journey through nursing school. I'm not looking forward to that normal.

So I take Lent as a season of preparation. My desire is not only to be actively learning during this time, but to share what I am learning and the blessings that come through my everyday life and lessons. I challenge myself to read the Word and blog daily, to not despise myself when I fail, to share with others the blessings God is showing me during this season of preparation, to encourage others to share their stories as well, and above all else to praise God for His faithfulness, provision and love.

A month of lessons

Things I've learned in the past month:

1. Pacifiers can be necessary
2. Sleep is a gift
3. There is more than one way to hold an eating baby
4. Birthdays are no longer just about me
5. I am more interested in baby toys than a newborn is
6. My husband is amazing (and really smart)
7. Newborn smiles may be unintended, but they are awesome
8. Girl=Pink (there's no way out of it)
9. I will eat sugar for breakfast if I'm not careful
10. What goes in must come out and out and out...
11. Go to the bathroom before you start feeding
12. The Itzbeen timer is awesome!
13. I love fluffy things
14. I now know what a small load of laundry actually looks like
15. The sun is a happy thing
16. Alice in Wonderland is a random book, ends abruptly and makes no sense
17. It is possible to feel as though you have completely disappeared
18. Everything must be scheduled, including showers and meals
19. Getting somewhere at a certain time is dependent upon staying conscious after a certain feeding, rather than going back to bed
20. There are times I'd rather stay up all night on purpose than be woken up after a mere 60 minutes of sleep

with wings

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God"? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:25-31

Torn in Two

How does one heart hold so much joy and hope alongside so much frustration and stress? I want to sing for joy and cry myself to sleep, dance and mope, kick up my heels and banish myself from all society. So much in my life builds me up and makes me feel like I can do anything. Then there are things that pull me back into the mire and make me weep for my sinfulness and selfish desires. I want to live in the joy and knowledge that "though sorrow may come in the night, the joy comes with the morning!" But my heart is heavy with the knowledge of my own sinfulness. It is true we need a Savior. I am thankful for the gift.

"You are stronger, You are stronger, sin is broken, You have saved me. It is written, Christ is risen. Jesus, You are Lord of all."

What a terrific promise this is. I can repent of my pride and selfishness and live in the joy that comes with humility of spirit and a compassionate heart. He is stronger and greater than any of my struggles. Hallelujah for Truth.

Re-learning how to learn.

During my most recent Calculus meltdown (and the subsequent calm after the storm), I had a realization. I cannot do math as I have always done it. I can't just "get by," processing much like a calculator: input, output. I need to know it and how to use it and how to break it down. So I can't just sit in class, spend an hour doing my assigned homework (which isn't much) and nothing more. The reason I do math has changed. My method must as well.

Attitude check.

I got an idea for a blog post today. The theme was my rotten day. After class I was headed back to the office, forming it in my mind until I remembered something I learned on Monday. Paul and I sat down and started reading Psalm 119 together. One thing that kept jumping out at me was the importance of giving thanks (a theme I see a lot in Scripture). Then we read this:

"Your testimonies also are my delight;
They are my counselors." (Ps. 119:24)

We can delight in the testimonies of God and be counseled by them!! No wonder we are instructed to boast of all He has done! So often we focus on the negative stories of life when we share things with one another instead of talking about the joyous events and gifts that are given to us. Even the everyday joys - I woke up this morning! I took a walk! I ate food! I forget to rejoice in them and praise God for them. It's a little easier when it's something mind-bogglingly wonderful! Somehow, though I can find something negative to mention every single day. But what can anyone learn from my sob story about forgetting to finish my Calculus homework and ... I can't even remember the other thing I was moaning about (to myself), and I think that's because I let it go and didn't tell everyone I encountered about it!!! I would much rather focus on the good, although there are always those times you simply MUST get something off your chest. But daily complaints about things as petty as that which I mentioned above ... not worth my energy.

Besides that, who wants to read about it???

Raising Awareness

I have found something to be true: one must learn to laugh at oneself. This post is published in honor of that truth.

On Wednesday evening I learned that there was a shoe store hoping to raise awareness for the shoeless children in Africa by encouraging Americans to go barefoot on Thursday. I'm all about African children! BUT it was quite cold and rainy yesterday, so I wore flip-flops to make my statement. Off I went to the CU campus in Denver, my toes quite numb by the time I got to my first class. Admittedly I was feeling a little foolish. (I find that any time I do something to raise awareness all I do is spend the day being reminded myself of the cause I'm attempting to raise awareness for.)

The first person to ask me about my footwear choice was an acquaintance I have made in my C++ Programming class who just so happens to have been born and raised in Tanzania. In fact the first words out of his mouth were, "This is not right, Carey!" and I thought he was talking about our program that's due on Tuesday. I was wrong. So I had to explain to him why I was being so very un-wise.

"Carey, let me tell you something," he said. "Growing up I only wore shoes to church. And on Sunday I knew my grandmother would make me wear them and I would go and right after it's over I took them off! I don't like shoes. Now I have lived in America I wear shoes (without socks) but when I go home they laugh at me. I cannot walk barefoot on the ground."

This is where the light bulb came on: here was a man who lived the life of the children I am "supporting" and his reaction: "they don't want shoes!" (He also mentioned that East Africans are much more laid-back than West Africans. Something he felt he had to share when he heard I had been to Nigeria. Apparently I simply must see Tanzania! Something I could do with CU if I were into Paleo-Anthropology, which...I'm not...but I would like to see Tanzania just the same.)

Now I know the reasons we as Americans encourage shoe-wearing in the lives of children around the world, it helps with disease prevention, etc. But I found in my 10 hours of numb-toed living yesterday that the only awareness I rose was my own. I became fully aware (during my humbling chat with this friend, and in the hours that followed it), of how culturally unaware I truly am. It pricks my desire to know more about cultures around the world. How much more good could we do if we took the time to actually understand and appreciate the culture of those we desire to help? I am thankful for the missionaries around the world that do just that and for the people God so graciously puts in my life (in the most unexpected places), to teach me such simple, yet profound, truths.

Priorities

Does God come first in my life?

Do Paul, my friends, my family, my small group, random people on the street come next?

Do I come very last?

You hold everything together
You hold everything together

Oh, Christ, be the center of our lives,
be the place we fix our eyes,
be the center of our lives!

("Center" Charlie Hall/Matt Redman)

No longer good enough

Fear is a nasty business. It paralyzes and keeps us from doing what we want, what we're called to do. I have been realizing more and more lately how much fear has kept me from things. Though God has used me where I am and I enjoy what I do with my time, because of fear and ignorance I am 27 and still trying to figure out what I want to do in the long run. I'm readdressing thoughts and ideas I had 10 years ago. And they are still interesting to me. Why couldn't I do it then? Will I be able to do it now?

Fear has kept me from trying, being bold, stepping out. It's stopped me from being me, opening my mouth and speaking up for myself, my beliefs, the rights of those around me. It's stopped me from pursuing certain dreams, wearing certain outfits, and even eating certain foods. I am sick and tired of letting fear keep me from everything. I think of reasons not to instead of realizing that there is no harm in trying something new just to see if you'll like it or making a phone call to ask a question. It's crazy, but I might actually get an answer I was hoping for.

I will not let fear keep my heart from beating. I have not been given a spirit of fear or timidity. Fear shouldn't keep me from having conversations with those around me or saying yes when someone asks if I want to go do something I wouldn't normally do. Fear has kept me in my little bubble. But with God's strength - no more. No, it's not easy to break out of a mold you've shoved yourself into for over a decade. But it's not impossible. I can learn new things and try new things and talk to new people.

I'm even afraid this feeling will go away, and I'll retreat back into my safe place fully protected by all my fears. Safe be hanged! I'll tell you what I'm not afraid of: finding myself in a situation where my Savior and my God cannot reach me. I am eternally within His grasp: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27a