Some things one might not think of

As a mom working outside the home, I have learned that there are challenges I did not expect.

1. I actually socialize with my parents and in-laws less than I'd sometimes like. At first I thought it was great because I was seeing so much of them, since we are blessed to have them as our full time child care providers. Then I began to realize that it was like living in proximity to a grandparent that isn't quite far enough away. You get frequent visits, but not lengthy ones.

This is due in part to their having taken care of a child all day, I imagine, and partly they don't want to "keep me." These are valid, but I miss actually sitting down to talk.

2. (not unexpected, since we feel busy in every age and stage of life) I often feel rushed and if I stop for too long I'm being selfish or missing something I should be doing. I don't handle this well.

3. I am starting to really feel the effects of not being with friends. People think, because I work full time, I need all my free time with my husband and daughter. I agree that time with my family is important and I don't get as much as I'd like, but we need time with other people, too. If we are left in isolation then we are left to parent alone and we need others to help us be better people, better parents and a better couple.

I enjoy my time alone with my daughter, and the times we get to hang out as a family, but I also enjoy time with my daughter when I have friends and family around. So I am thankful for the friends we do see and the times we get to spend more than five minutes with our families.

When I grow up...

Of all the blogs I have waiting in the wings to finish, this is the one that seems the most important.

As our daughter grows up before someone else's eyes, I struggle with the reality that I am her mom. Little things remind me and encourage me, such as: when I realize Paul and I change more diapers on average, the strained "Mama" I hear at 6:30 a.m., and the fact that no matter how recently she's eaten, she is always hungry when I pick her up at the end of the day. On the whole, though, I am usually fighting the feeling that I am simply a night-watchman, a babysitter, or a wet nurse to this precious child.

A major source of encouragement comes from those loving hearts that are watching her grow and change: my parents. Not just the couple that raised me, but the couple that raised my husband as well. When I say something particularly discouraging, they endeavor to express to me that what is happening is normal and assure me I am doing OK. They always talk about how delightful she is and share stories of her day with me. Although they each have had their experiences raising five children, they always ask me before they expose our daughter to something new, be it experience or food (which really is an experience in itself). The most amazing thing is that when I start talking about what I'm learning and how I want to do this or that, they listen and don't rush to say, "I know" or explain why I'm off my rocker (and believe me, they know everything I'm telling them and they have their opinions). Between them they've raised 10 kids, and they patiently listen to me tell them how to raise our daughter. For a know-it-all, this is a humbling realization that literally (right this moment) brings tears to my eyes.

So here I am 30 years old still learning from my parents. I am so thankful to have them to learn from and always serve as an example of how I want to be when I grow up: patient, understanding, loving, knowledgeable, teachable, giving.

A month of lessons

Things I've learned in the past month:

1. Pacifiers can be necessary
2. Sleep is a gift
3. There is more than one way to hold an eating baby
4. Birthdays are no longer just about me
5. I am more interested in baby toys than a newborn is
6. My husband is amazing (and really smart)
7. Newborn smiles may be unintended, but they are awesome
8. Girl=Pink (there's no way out of it)
9. I will eat sugar for breakfast if I'm not careful
10. What goes in must come out and out and out...
11. Go to the bathroom before you start feeding
12. The Itzbeen timer is awesome!
13. I love fluffy things
14. I now know what a small load of laundry actually looks like
15. The sun is a happy thing
16. Alice in Wonderland is a random book, ends abruptly and makes no sense
17. It is possible to feel as though you have completely disappeared
18. Everything must be scheduled, including showers and meals
19. Getting somewhere at a certain time is dependent upon staying conscious after a certain feeding, rather than going back to bed
20. There are times I'd rather stay up all night on purpose than be woken up after a mere 60 minutes of sleep

A new day will dawn

My baby will be ten days old today. On one hand I can hardly believe it; on the other hand it has been a long ten days. As predicted I had no way of perceiving what lay ahead of Paul and me. A baby changes everything, but I couldn't really know how until I had one. Even with her here, each day is unique unto itself and the nights unique to themselves, and as she grows, everything will continue to change.

So much for "typical daily life."

I have learned a lot about myself the past ten days. Granted my hormones haven't quite settled yet and because of that I do weep over simple things and even joyful or silly things. I am a busy person. When my baby sleeps - a time I am supposed to sleep - I find I am showering, eating or reading or watching TV. Granted the last two could be stopped. Someday she will be more alert and to watch as much TV as we have been will be neglectful because we should be paying attention to her!

One thing that has been true of me that I have re-learned is how much I love the sun. Not just sitting in it or the reality of it, but the LIGHT it gives makes me feel more capable of facing any new adventure. I think that is why I count nights on vacation and why with V I count down the hours and the potential feedings until dawn.

I need to remember that Christ is all the light I need - the world can seem dark even in the daytime, but Christ is an ever-present source of Light and hope. He gives me the strength to face each day, each new adventure, every sleepless night. His is with us and will be with us through all the twists and turns of raising a child up in the Truth.

As each new day dawns and every night approaches, these truths remain: I serve a loving, faithful, just God whom I can trust. He knows me; He knows Paul; He knows V. He will guide us every step of the way in His path, to His purposes, for His glory alone.

Getting Ready

There seem to be a hundred things that need doing. I think I have the time, but I feel like I can't handle it all. I have to remind myself to take everything one at a time. The most important thing is that there will be a baby. Paul and I are excited, but at the same time there is this inevitable question of what life will really be like. Fact is, God knows. Nothing of this is a surprise to Him. He knows our baby, He knows us, He knows what is happening, what will happen, and He is ever watchful. I only hope and pray that we honor Him and keep His glory first in our family.

100 Days

June. How did it get here so fast? In the past two months I finished Calc 3, saw a few plays, watched another graduating class leave our high school ministry and yet another join it. I've gone on vacation and longed for another (already). I've watched my belly double in size and wondered what kind of a mother I will make.

I am learning how to take deeper breaths, say no to the things I can't handle, and not allow stress to rule my behavior and life. Yes, still learning. I've figured out how to get to work on time, though. I'm reading a lot and wish I slept more :o)

In approximately 100 days (give or take a dozen), Paul and I will become parents. Not that we aren't already, technically, but in the sense that there will be a breathing, crying, pooping life form in our home that we must be responsible for and take care of. This summer is going to fly by and if I'm not careful I'm going to miss it.