A few cool drops of water

A new year. A fresh wind.

I told a friend the other day I feel it may be sprinkling in my wilderness. A few cool drops of water. I struggle with the thought to run for cover. It is such a difficult thing to allow change - even for the better. I get so comfortable in my fear and stagnation. But it is dangerous and deadly here. There is no growth or serving of others.

By definition there is no shelter in the wilderness. Not aside from God, anyway. His wings shelter me. So even if I did want to run from the blessing of His refreshing, the only place I have is towards Him - into Him - like Lucy burying her face in Aslan's mane.

Lean into Him.

So I begin 2015 with a desire and a prayer. I desire to study God's word, and I pray He shows me

• how He sees me.
• Himself in truth, not distorted by my false sense of self.
• the truth about my role as mother and wife and ministry leader and friend and...
• how I can serve Him.
• whatever He wants to show me.

I am returning to Paul's letters, passages I once knew so well, to see what they have to say with fresh eyes. My children will one day encounter the sorts of things Paul writes about. How beautiful, then, that he also writes about how we, as believers, can prepare for, combat, defeat the enemy set out to destroy us. These are the things my children and I need to be trained in - the ways of the Lord.

As my understanding of the Father grows and the few drops of water become a proper rainfall in this wilderness, flowers will begin to bud and bloom. There is life here - even in the healing - even when it cannot be seen.

Trust

Madeleine L'Engle wrote that she would pray the Jesus prayer when she found her mind wandering during prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." I once adopted that. My mind wanders a lot, of this I am aware. What happened so gradually over the course of my life that I didn't notice is that my entire focus wandered. Not just my thoughts during prayer or worship. Not just my thoughts watching a movie or during a boring conversation. My entire focus has wandered off. What I see before my eyes now is a big, fat, ugly word.

It's so big and obvious that I can't see much else. I walk in its shadow. I filter most of what I do through it, envisioning disaster, sorrow, pain. So when I stumbled upon this idea of focusing on one word every day for a year through One Word 365, I was instantly intrigued. I have friends preparing to read through the Bible this year. I need to start a little smaller. One word. But which word? There are many I have thought of. But one stands out because in order to Grieve, Live, Embrace, Grow, Love, I must Trust.

So here is a new word to focus on. A new truth to filter everything through. The filter of trust.

The Lord is my strength. (Ex 15:2)
Rest is found in Christ. (Mt 11:28)
Unless we go through Christ, we cannot go to the Father. (Jn14:6)
Straight are the paths He lays before me. (Pr 3:6)
Today is the only day I have. (Jms 4:13-17)

I must trust that the Lord's ways are good. I must trust in His sovereignty. I must trust that He is at work in me "both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). This used to be a fairly easy thing for me to understand. I cannot go back to who I once was, but I can continue on into the future, each day becoming more the woman God intends for me to be. Resting in His faithfulness, goodness, strength. Glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever (Westminster Shorter Catechism #1). Thankful (another great word) for His Grace, Mercy, Love, Presence.

A new journey. A new beginning. Nothing's really changing. Just my focus.

Grace Under Pressure

I just found this scribbled out in my notebook under the heading "blogs to write":

I have studied Esther to some extent and feel it would do me good to refresh my memory of who she was and the character she exhibited as a woman who lived with grace, even under the most extreme circumstances.

Being human I have a great many short-comings, one of which is being too quick to point out and condemn the rest of them. But I step aside from my attempt to curb this nasty habit in order to mention this: I have a great desire to be a woman who is calm and trustworthy even when things begin to unravel, fully relinquishing control to the Master while doing all I need to do. In other words, I want to be a grace-filled woman under pressure.

Paul described me today (May 1st) as a volcano: the pressure builds until kaboom! then peace; the great beast returns to its slumber. Only problem is that peace comes at a great price: the tranquility of those in the vicinity. I want to encourage not discourage those around me! I wonder how capable I am of being calm and collected rather than rudely blunt, irritatingly hurried and unnervingly stressed.

I will add here (16 July) that I am happy to report the Lord's faithful work in my life. The road is long and the way is tedious, and at times, dare I say, explosive, but I have hope and faith in the fact that the Lord will prevail. He will be made manifest in my life. Jesus is, after all, our ultimate example of grace under pressure.

a new policy

I have decided to take up the phrase: "I don't know what that means." My desire is to not just go through life pretending like I know everything everyone is talking about but to request information and receive it - keep learning and growing. Also along this line is "I don't understand, please explain."

I'm excited! Strangely it's not easy for me to admit when I don't understand something.

BOB

This week I did something unthinkable - for me - I purchased a PC laptop. It's an HP, it's blue (it's actually kinda pretty - I like shiny things), it's Vista, it's Office 2007. I actually kinda like it. But don't tell anybody that, because it's unthinkable - for me - to like such a thing as a PC. I have run Macs since I was 8 years old. I'm typing on a Mac right now. But necessity has driven me to it. So add it to the list of things I've caved on and pray for me.

I am thankful for the kind - only laughing at me behind my back - support I have received from my anti-Mac friends as I struggle through this transition.

I named my laptop BOB. Maybe someday B.O.B. will stand for something, but for now, I just really wanted t0 name it anything but "Carey's PC" - *scream* - that's just going to far - so I named it BOB. It wasn't until today that I typed the name and decided it should be in all caps. I know, I'm strange, what can I say? I'm a Mac girl. Strange fits.

BOB