Sunday, January 4, 2009

No longer good enough

Fear is a nasty business. It paralyzes and keeps us from doing what we want, what we're called to do. I have been realizing more and more lately how much fear has kept me from things. Though God has used me where I am and I enjoy what I do with my time, because of fear and ignorance I am 27 and still trying to figure out what I want to do in the long run. I'm readdressing thoughts and ideas I had 10 years ago. And they are still interesting to me. Why couldn't I do it then? Will I be able to do it now?

Fear has kept me from trying, being bold, stepping out. It's stopped me from being me, opening my mouth and speaking up for myself, my beliefs, the rights of those around me. It's stopped me from pursuing certain dreams, wearing certain outfits, and even eating certain foods. I am sick and tired of letting fear keep me from everything. I think of reasons not to instead of realizing that there is no harm in trying something new just to see if you'll like it or making a phone call to ask a question. It's crazy, but I might actually get an answer I was hoping for.

I will not let fear keep my heart from beating. I have not been given a spirit of fear or timidity. Fear shouldn't keep me from having conversations with those around me or saying yes when someone asks if I want to go do something I wouldn't normally do. Fear has kept me in my little bubble. But with God's strength - no more. No, it's not easy to break out of a mold you've shoved yourself into for over a decade. But it's not impossible. I can learn new things and try new things and talk to new people.

I'm even afraid this feeling will go away, and I'll retreat back into my safe place fully protected by all my fears. Safe be hanged! I'll tell you what I'm not afraid of: finding myself in a situation where my Savior and my God cannot reach me. I am eternally within His grasp: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27a

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