Why IF? Why you?

The whirlwind was over. It had been a full day. So full we didn't even get a chance to watch the last speaker. Ladies headed home to their families, their homes, their beds, their minds full of God's promises and, hopefully, an inkling that they were significant in God's story. The first IF:Local was over.

I cleaned up, chatting with the ladies who stayed to help, and all of us had the same excitement, the same urgency: more women needed to hear this message. The message that they matter. That each and every one of us has a marked thing before us to do. Now. Not five years from now. Each of us has a race to run. So we need to

"lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

We need not compare ourselves to others or others' callings, but simply do that which we were given to do: chase toddlers, be the head of a company, type 90 wpm, save lives, deliver babies, start non-profits, carpool our teens, love our neighbor...the list goes on and on because the key to it all is this: "fix your eyes on Jesus." Repent and believe. 

What is IF? It's a question I got a year ago and a question I am still getting today. IF isn't about numbers or speaker lists. It is about Jesus. It is about making much of Him. Their first year they succeeded in hosting their conference world-wide through IF:Locals practically seamlessly because their heart's desire was for women to hear what God had to say to them: Repent and believe. 

So all I can do to answer this question: What is IF? is to answer this one: What has IF meant to me?

I found out about IF through an acquaintance I met in Alaska in September of 2013. I was following her on social media and she was in Austin one weekend as a leader learning about something that was coming in February: the IF:Gathering. I didn't know much more than you. All I knew was that they were asking women to ask this question: IF God is real, then what? What does it matter? How does it shape and change our lives if God is really real and really who He says He is? They were there to bring women together to engage in the conversation of faith. I was hooked. I started following them, gaining as much information as I could. Their gathering in Austin sold out in record time. They opened it up to streaming locally and I knew that I knew that I was supposed to host an IF:Local, even if I was the only one watching.

As the Lord would have it, I wasn't alone. There were a handful of us sitting, eating, listening, discussing. This is the impact IF had on me in 2014. We were invited just as we were. Perfection was not necessary. Hungry, broken, I sat and listened. I heard that God does not base your future on your past. He is redeeming, renewing, reshaping each of us every day. I heard women talk about our call to be obedient, to believe God's word and encourage one another, to not shrink back, but allow healing to move us forward to heal and free others. Serving God isn't about to-do lists or a "hero complex," but is all about Jesus. "What we do is the natural consequence of the divine company we keep." (paraphrase of Sarah Bessey). I was encouraged to listen to truth and bind the lies in His name. I was challenged to consider what was right before me to be done faithfully. I wasn't needing to look overseas, necessarily, or in need of a book deal or thousands of followers or finding anything that would necessarily uproot my life, but I was needing to consider what passions were stirring right there, right then. I was reminded to affirm others and allow myself to be affirmed. I was challenged to say "Yes" first and then listen, be surrendered to my King and commit myself to the glory of God.

I could type and type and type and talk and talk and talk about everything the Lord showed me through the IF:Gathering in 2014, and has shown me through IF:Table and IF:Equip since, but this post is already crazy long. I was being set free from the bondage I had wrapped myself up in. I have a voice. I can use it to magnify Him at home, in the church, with friends, family, strangers. God was reawakening my heart and He used His vessels at IF to continue that reawakening. 

But what about IF 2015? Why should you go? One word. Believe. We are studying the life of Joshua this year with these as the session themes: We have a call to believe. Why don't we believe? How do we believe? What could happen if we believe?

IF you believe God, then what?

Whether you are sold out for Christ, actively serving Him every day, or struggling each moment to keep faith in Him, or asking if you have ever truly believed or want to believe, then there is a seat for you to sit under the teaching of wise women who have fought the fight, are running their race, and who are ready and open to hear from the Lord and share His truth with you. Be challenged, encouraged, inspired. Rest in the presence of God and be reminded that He delights in YOU.

This beautiful print by Jenn Sparkle is available through the IF:Gathering Shoppe.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her." Luke 1:45 

Yesterday this theme verse from IF 2015 sat on my desk staring at me as I failed and failed and failed again with my daughter. I asked over and over "and what might those promises be, God?" This morning I read Psalm 107:9 "For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good." Yesterday I read Psalm 92:14a "They will still yield fruit in old age" which means more to me today in light of yesterday than it did in the thick of yesterday. He has promised to bring fruit through me and satisfy and fill me if I remain faithful and righteous in His calling. Moment to moment may feel empty and tired, but His promises are to fill and use me. 

I am excited to hear more from the Lord in the days and weeks to come. On February 6 & 7 I am excited to hear from Him through speakers and worship directed by His Spirit challenging me to ask what could happen if I truly believed in God's promises for me. But more than anything, I am excited to live 2015 fully believing God's promises to me. Join me?

A few cool drops of water

A new year. A fresh wind.

I told a friend the other day I feel it may be sprinkling in my wilderness. A few cool drops of water. I struggle with the thought to run for cover. It is such a difficult thing to allow change - even for the better. I get so comfortable in my fear and stagnation. But it is dangerous and deadly here. There is no growth or serving of others.

By definition there is no shelter in the wilderness. Not aside from God, anyway. His wings shelter me. So even if I did want to run from the blessing of His refreshing, the only place I have is towards Him - into Him - like Lucy burying her face in Aslan's mane.

Lean into Him.

So I begin 2015 with a desire and a prayer. I desire to study God's word, and I pray He shows me

• how He sees me.
• Himself in truth, not distorted by my false sense of self.
• the truth about my role as mother and wife and ministry leader and friend and...
• how I can serve Him.
• whatever He wants to show me.

I am returning to Paul's letters, passages I once knew so well, to see what they have to say with fresh eyes. My children will one day encounter the sorts of things Paul writes about. How beautiful, then, that he also writes about how we, as believers, can prepare for, combat, defeat the enemy set out to destroy us. These are the things my children and I need to be trained in - the ways of the Lord.

As my understanding of the Father grows and the few drops of water become a proper rainfall in this wilderness, flowers will begin to bud and bloom. There is life here - even in the healing - even when it cannot be seen.

Sacrificial Living

There I was in the midst of another free time. Campers gearing up for water sports or the pool. “I don’t want to sit at the pool again,” I thought. “It’s too cold to go in the pool,” I thought. As I stood in the sun, watching the CIAs and the campers get ready to walk, I remembered that I wasn’t there for myself. I was there for others. I was there for Jesus' glory and the campers' fun, and the CIAs' encouragement and help. "Where am I needed?" I asked as I changed my tune as I had done countless times before.

During my week at Camp Barnabas on the Lake, I found when I was faced with my own desires I almost instantly found myself redirecting towards others’ needs. Even in my free time I was thinking about what I could do to support the CIAs (Christian In Action, the teens and adults who were one-on-one with the campers), or trying to find enough service to post to our church’s Facebook or Twitter to update the church body and parents about how our trip was going.

Why can’t I do this at home? Why can’t I do this in my church body?

America has a prevalent, “Take care of #1” mentality that comes before all other concerns. I am afraid I am guilty of it. Rather than ask for help or care, I feel like it's best to just take care of myself first. However, I believe I am called to something more. A life lived sacrificially. As I was thrown into a life lived fully for others for a full five days, I discovered something.

Living life sacrificially takes buckets of trust.

You have to trust your needs will be cared for as you put others’ needs ahead of your own. You have to trust that you will be filled as you pour yourself out for those around you. You have to trust you will find rest in the midst of the busy life of looking and serving and caring. You have to trust God's strength to keep you moving. You have to trust God’s greater plan. #thelastshallbefirst But I discovered something else.

Sacrificial living is beautiful.

It's helping a busy mom with her groceries; it's asking the clerk at the store how their day is going and actually hearing their response. It's writing a note of encouragement for your neighbor, or offering to walk someone's dog. It's taking the kids for a friend so she can get some things done. It's engaging in conversation with your seat mate on the bus or train, recognizing the humanity that is around you. Start small. Sacrifice a little comfort and say hello to the stranger in line behind you. Look them in the eye and smile. It's a beautiful thing.

This post is a part of a One Word 365 community, Trusting Tuesdays! Have your own One Word? Link up to your most recent post every third Tuesday of the month!

It is...

When I think of the word "finish," I think of "It is finished." Jesus' final words on the cross. Far less spiritual would be my thoughts regarding my own life and schooling. I never finished high school, not in the traditional sense, but one month early. I still walked. I still had a diploma. I still went to college. I didn't want to finish college. Not really. I quit three and a half years in and went home. I took a semester off and went to a career counselor. It didn't help. I went back to school thinking I was changing gears completely and before the first semester back I went back to the original plan. I'd finish, and fast.

Now I am on the precipice of a new "finish." A friend reminded me that as an Air Force brat there were times in my life when I never had to make a choice about finishing or ending something. It just happened. We moved. Case closed. But now I am settled and married to a nurse and have a two year old daughter and suddenly the choice to finish something in my time vs. God's time is there. But I never thought about it, and so I plugged away, ever faithful, but not really very happy.

I am beyond blessed in my life. I have a supportive family and amazing friends who shove the truth in my face when I need to see it more clearly and pat me on the back and hug me when I need to cry, which is often. All of it. I have had an amazing job for nine years. Through so many changes in life it has been there. My superiors have been there, cheering me on. Despite that there have been some serious soul-searching moments and they have finally resulted in this:

I have to finish well, so I have to finish now.

So after nine years I am saying "goodbye" to the title "Administrative Assistant at Southern Gables Church" and focusing more on "mom," "wife" and "photographer," not to mention "daughter," "friend," "sister," "cheerleader," "faithful follower," "writer"... and some new titles I'm not entirely sure about yet. There are a lot of unknowns, but if I know one thing IT IS: God is in control.


This post is linked to the Five Minute Friday Community. I literally free wrote it in five minutes during my fifteen minute break at work. Click on the image for more Five Minute Friday: Finish posts!

Breathe!

We serve a God who can breathe life into dry bones.

Let that sink in for a moment.

One year ago today I was at Red Rocks Amphitheater with my husband's family watching Chris Tomlin on his Burning Lights tour. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. Nervous. Far from God. I had just been approached a few days prior by a concerned friend who was afraid I was suffering from postpartum depression (I found out a few weeks later she was right). As I sat in Red Rocks watching the people around me, I wondered how many of them felt like I did - like they were pretending. It didn't feel like a place where I could really worship.

My heart was hard. My emotions unmoving. I was uncomfortable and felt out of place. I knew I was loved by God. I knew I loved God. But I wanted to go home. Get into bed. Tomlin opened with "God's Great Dance Floor." I couldn't move. I just stood there. Stood because I "had to." Then "Awake My Soul" played. Most of it washed over me until Lacrae started in with the scripture. Ezekiel's vision of dry bones coming back to life. "Conjure the four winds of breath and breathe!" Suddenly there were the words "Awake! Awake! Awake my soul; God resurrect these bones." And my heart broke. The tears fell. I still cry when I hear "BREATHE!" on that album.

When the next song played I listened, I sang, I prayed "It will be my joy to say Your will, Your way....There's no life apart from You." Then "Indescribable" reminded me of the God I serve and "White Flag" and "Sovereign" helped me pray my surrender. By the end of the concert (Louie Giglio spoke and there were more songs to which I sang my heart out), I knew I wasn't healed, I knew I had a long road to walk, but I knew I wouldn't be alone in the journey. I was reminded of this great and magnificent God I serve. He loves me, sees me, draws me to Him even when I am blank and blocking the world out.

After I had my daughter, I stopped caring about anything. I stopped noticing the world and the people around me. I didn't notice I was doing it, either, because I'm not even sure I noticed myself. I was just trying to survive. But God had me in the palm of His hand. He was watching over me and my husband and my daughter. He kept me from doing anything rash and loved us all through it. Then He gave me a gift. A big, loud, bright, crazy gift. His Holy Spirit sweeping through thousands of His people, burning in my ears, my heart, and my soul.

I am still healing from years of apathy and attempted perfection's scars on my life. But this path of healing I have been on started on May 4, 2013. Three days after a friend said, "Carey, I'm worried about you." God was right there with the words I needed to hear. He was right there with the people I needed. He was right there holding me, and He still is. He led me to my counselor, He flew with me to fish camp in Alaska, He guides my hand as I journal, He urges me to love and serve and see people again. All of these things have been part of the healing journey. God hears my cries and answers my prayers. He knows my fears and cradles me in His everlasting arms. He has led me to teachers and scriptures and conferences and Bible studies and passions I never knew I had.

I am so thankful for this Great Prodigal God who runs to me and embraces me. As we sang this morning in church, "Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful. God, You are faithful." Amen! Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness and breathing life back into these dry bones.

Tomlin, Chris. Burning Lights. Sparrow (Universal), 2013.

A time to mourn and a time to dance

Today marks 15 years since the Columbine tragedy.

I have to sit and re-read that sentence a few times to really understand it. Fifteen years. I know I am not alone in feeling that, because I have no physical scars, Columbine's place in my life is somehow less. A phrase from The Holiday keeps running through my mind: "the walking wounded." That is how I felt for a long time. But not this year. This year I started listening to that frightened 17-year old Carey. Fifteen years ago I was locked in a room with 60 others waiting for someone to find us. This year I have not only remembered, I have been allowing myself to feel, to mourn, to recognize that no matter how many years pass, April 20, 1999 is a day that will live forever in my life. However it is not a day that should define who I am. (I am working on a piece that will go further into the details of this process. It has been liberating in many ways.)

Quote from the wall of the Columbine Memorial

April acutely affects me. This month I've been short-tempered, more tired than usual, struggling between the feelings that have run me for 15 years and the feelings I know should be in control. But this April has been different than past years and it isn't just because of the healing that has begun. It is because of April 20, 2014.

Today is Resurrection Sunday. Today we celebrate the day that Christ Jesus defied death. He bore our iniquities, died, and then rose from the dead to give us eternal life. Every time April 20 crossed my mind this year I thought "it's Easter." It's Resurrection Sunday. I know the end of the story! The Lamb wins.

Shouldn't that be our focus in the midst of any sorrow or struggle in our lives: the resurrection? We have a Savior who knows our pain, our sorrow, can "sympathize with our weaknesses" (Hebrews 4:15). He was "obedient to the point of death" (Philippians 2:8) and died as "propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10) and then rose again from the dead to live and intercede for us from the right hand of God (Romans 8:34). The sorrows that affect us in this world are real and we must acknowledge them, grieve for them, and heal and grow but not outside of the reality of the resurrection. Christ's suffering, death, and triumph over both should frame our experiences. His truth, grace, love, mercy should motivate our actions and reactions.

So today I mourn a day - an act of man - that forever changed my life and how I interact with the world.

Today I celebrate a day - an act of God - that forever changed history - the future - and affects every aspect of life - yours and mine - for all of eternity. My God lives. No matter what happens to me in this life, that truth outweighs it all.

"I will tell of Your name to my brethren;
In the midst of the assembly I will praise You.

You who fear the Lord, praise Him;
All you descendants of Jacob, glorify Him,
And stand in awe of Him, all you descendants of Israel.

For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;
Nor has He hidden His face from him;
But when he cried to Him for help, He heard."

Psalm 22:22-24

Clear skies ahead

I cry when I watch Frozen. Not during the scenes you'd expect. It has little to do with loss or joy or any of those other reasons. I don't cry because of the weak plot devices. I cry because I relate. To Elsa. In the Ice Palace right after Anna has informed her sister that their home is cursed by an eternal winter, Elsa sings "Oh I am such a fool! I can't be free! No escape from the storm inside of me." And the tears just come. I can't stop them. Because I know that storm. The storm of fear that rages in me and keeps me from my full potential.

Elsa fears herself, her powers, and hurting those she loves. But what she can't see is that her fear makes her powers dangerous. It controls them. When she runs away from everything, further isolating herself, she thinks she is free. Suddenly her full potential is clear to her because she isn't afraid of hurting anyone. But this is a false sense of security created by running from her fear and consequently her responsibility. She realizes her mistake when Anna finds her. While she begins to rage against herself once again, her sister is telling her they can face everything together. She sings, "we can work this out together. We'll reverse the storm you've made." Though Anna is speaking of the literal snowstorm, the parallel to the "raging storm inside" Elsa, a storm she created through her isolation and fear, is profound. This storm, too, can be reversed when they work together - through love.

Can't we all relate to Elsa? Any sin that entangles us we can get rid of them in artificial, ineffective ways. Then we realize it didn't actually work. It is only when we turn to Love - God - to save us that we become truly free. Men and women weighed down by illness or depression have days when the ice palace is being built and the storm seems to have some purpose and then they realize they aren't truly free from it and the storm rages again.

Like Elsa we keep things cooped up inside because we are afraid of breaking that "perfect" persona that we feel we are supposed to communicate to others. The temptation is to run from responsibility, not face our fears. We are powerful beyond belief, but we allow our fears and our insecurities to keep us from fully reaching that potential. The answer is not running, but rather facing and conquering. We can only do that with God.

Fear is my greatest enemy. I had a friend ask me last week what holds me back from writing. I think there are two things. One is the fear of admitting truth about myself I don't like - will I be understood? will anyone care? Reject? etc. Sometimes I even wonder if I can handle the truth about myself. The second is the feeling that I have nothing to share that anyone would care to read. I may think it's profound or a big deal, but they will all shrug their shoulders and think "What's the big deal?"

Without trust there is isolation. We have to trust others with our stories. We have to trust ourselves. We need people we can trust to help us understand our own potential. Just because we make a mistake doesn't mean we have to quit or despair. We learn, we grow, we change. We need others to help us see clearly. We all need someone else to live for.

Love. Trust. Live. For the good of others. To the glory of God.

This post is a part of a One Word 365 community, Trusting Tuesdays! Have your own One Word? Link up to your most recent post every third Tuesday of the month!

Fear vs. Trust...the winner is...

One of my worst fears was realized two weeks ago. As my foot flew out from under me, my arms tight around my two year old, I landed - hard - on the stairs no longer holding her. I tried to pick her up, but the pain was too much to hold on to her. My dad was there. He took her. And I sat, doubled over in pain, mentally assessing the damage, listening to her cries. Was I broken? Could I move? Was V all right? The last question I asked aloud and my dad answered me: she was fine, just scared. I'd protected her, held on to her as long as I could.

Even in the midst of something so scary, even as I sit here still in pain, I am reminded of the graciousness of God. The way I hit the stairs allowed for my daughter to fall more gracefully and in a way carefully, and I hit no bone that I am aware of, just shocked my muscles. And I've had the opportunity to wear my yoga pants to work for two weeks! (So that's just a byproduct, but so comfy.)

I have a mind that moves very quickly from what is actually in front of me to disaster. I can "see" accidents on the road, my daughter falling and hurting herself or worse. I can even "see" my own failure, which often keeps me from doing what I think I should. When I actually live what I have already "seen," I find something that was missing from my visual predictions: grace, protection, God. God is in my midst. He is the one in control, not me!

One of my greatest struggles in the past six months has been fighting to actually want more children. My husband and I wanted a big family, but now I am thinking one is plenty. This feels like blasphemy, but I struggle with all the potential disasters and whether or not I even have the ability to raise more than one child. Am I good enough? Will we lose one? What if I get postpartum even more severely?

I finally had to fight image with image. When I imagine a brand new baby being placed screaming in my arms I realize seconds will not pass before I cannot imagine our life without him or her. It is that blessing and God's promises I must focus on. I trust a big, good God. He loves us, and He directs my life.

So four months ago I surrendered my pseudocontrol, asking God to direct our future as a family, but still asked in faith for what I thought I wanted: a closed womb because I feared my mental state. God has honored that request. Since the new year my prayers, "teach me to trust You," and the ever dangerous "I choose to trust You," have been working on my heart. I am now desirous of a new baby in the house, and I pray for my womb be opened, but the main prayer is still the same, even on the days when the fear seems to be winning: "I choose to trust You, Lord, with my family, my future, my mind, my heart." God is good and He is sovereign.

This post is a part of a One Word 365 community, Trusting Tuesdays! Have your own One Word? Link up to your most recent post every third Tuesday of the month!

Sweet Sleep

What does sleep have to do with trust? I'm still not sure, but one thing I do know is that shortly after I chose Trust as my One Word 365 word, my daughter started waking up at odd times of the night for no reason. It wasn't every night. It wasn't always a long interruption to my sleep pattern, but it was jarring. She is not quite two and a half - her sleep patterns have been consistent for a while now - but lately I find I go to bed not knowing if I will wake up to a cry or an alarm.

For the past year I have lived in constant fear of my daughter waking up sick. I would go to bed early to get as much sleep as I could. Relationships and business were being affected. I was trapped in a fear cycle that was formed during two days of her life. Since January 1, as I have found myself up in the middle of the night with a healthy child, I have started praising God more. I realize, as I pray over what this has to do with trusting God, that if I trust God then that means I trust He has a greater plan to this new rhythm we find ourselves in. I fall asleep praying that no matter what I will be given the strength, love, compassion, and wisdom to face each moment as it is laid before me. I trust that the Lord will continue to answer that prayer.

I don't know why God didn't choose to give Mothers the gift of not needing any sleep. Think of the possibilities!! But if I were to speculate, at least for this mama, my guess would be that this dependence we have on sleep should be superseded by a dependence on someone greater. The Giver of sleep and children and love and compassion and time and life itself. If I trust Him then I must believe that every day and every moment I am given is worth something more than I can ever imagine. Even the mundane can contain glimpses of the divine.

Proverbs 3 tells us that wisdom and understanding are desirable to have. And when you do, this is one result: "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet" (v. 24). There is nothing to fear when the Lord is the One guiding and protecting you. So I lay my head down now in trust and thankful for the promise of sweet sleep.

This post is a part of a One Word 365 community, Trusting Tuesdays! Have your own One Word? Link up to your most recent post every third Tuesday of the month!

Acting on Trust

I am broken. Shards of my life, once contained, feel scattered.

I feel an ember glowing hotter and hotter in my soul. A passion, a desire to do and serve, share and encourage. At the same time there is something that lurks and threatens: "of what use is a broken vessel?" This question I ask myself is the wrong question. I must act in faithfulness. If I do not act in faithfulness then surely that is what I will be: a worthless vessel, broken beyond repair. In reality, however, I am being remade.

I will never mend, never live my purpose if I am always sitting and staring at what I perceive to be the broken shards of my life rather than stumbling along the straight and narrow, at times on my knees, my hands groping for the boundaries, to be sure I am still on the path, every once and a while glimpsing the light shining before me, but more often than not my eyes closed against all that I fear seeing.

But in keeping my eyes closed, I also miss the good. I also miss the light. I also miss the beauty around me. I must peek. I have to watch the step before me, the next step, illuminated by the lamp of God's Word, see where to place my foot. My life is imbedded in the Soul of the Creator God. He cares for me. He is with me. I can do nothing apart from Him. Why would I want to?

So I must trust the Potter, my God. Trust that He is faithful. Trust that He is with me. Trust that He sees me. Trust that He loves me as I am. Trust that He is making me new. Trust that He HAS made me new. Trust that the Master Potter can do more with shards of broken pottery than with a leaky vessel.

This post is a part of a One Word 365 community, Trusting Tuesdays! Have your own One Word? Link up to your most recent post every third Tuesday of the month!

Trust

Madeleine L'Engle wrote that she would pray the Jesus prayer when she found her mind wandering during prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." I once adopted that. My mind wanders a lot, of this I am aware. What happened so gradually over the course of my life that I didn't notice is that my entire focus wandered. Not just my thoughts during prayer or worship. Not just my thoughts watching a movie or during a boring conversation. My entire focus has wandered off. What I see before my eyes now is a big, fat, ugly word.

It's so big and obvious that I can't see much else. I walk in its shadow. I filter most of what I do through it, envisioning disaster, sorrow, pain. So when I stumbled upon this idea of focusing on one word every day for a year through One Word 365, I was instantly intrigued. I have friends preparing to read through the Bible this year. I need to start a little smaller. One word. But which word? There are many I have thought of. But one stands out because in order to Grieve, Live, Embrace, Grow, Love, I must Trust.

So here is a new word to focus on. A new truth to filter everything through. The filter of trust.

The Lord is my strength. (Ex 15:2)
Rest is found in Christ. (Mt 11:28)
Unless we go through Christ, we cannot go to the Father. (Jn14:6)
Straight are the paths He lays before me. (Pr 3:6)
Today is the only day I have. (Jms 4:13-17)

I must trust that the Lord's ways are good. I must trust in His sovereignty. I must trust that He is at work in me "both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). This used to be a fairly easy thing for me to understand. I cannot go back to who I once was, but I can continue on into the future, each day becoming more the woman God intends for me to be. Resting in His faithfulness, goodness, strength. Glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever (Westminster Shorter Catechism #1). Thankful (another great word) for His Grace, Mercy, Love, Presence.

A new journey. A new beginning. Nothing's really changing. Just my focus.

Reasons for Thanks-Giving

A little over two weeks ago I left the home of my mentor, Elaine. I have posted a little about her on my photography blog. We had just spent 45 minutes or so re-reading Psalms we have memorized together, sharing our latest news, and praying. I told her a deep fear of mine. A fear that has resulted in a loss. Not a physical loss, but the loss of a good desire for something I have always wanted. Just before I left her home, Elaine reminded me that, like David, we are allowed to "pour out [our] complaint before [the Lord]" (Psalm 142) and to ask, seek, knock. So I did.

On my way home I cried out to the Lord with everything that is in me. I confessed. I wept. I have eaten of the fruit and seen my nakedness, the fear that grips my soul and suffocates my trust. But though God is a God of justice, He is also a God of mercy. He sent His Son to die for my abundant sins. I am covered by Christ's sacrifice. I am new. I have turned my face and focused on the fear, the anxiety, the unknown, but I need to look to Christ, look "full in His wondrous face." I am loved with an everlasting love. I must acknowledge my dependence on God. Without Him I am nothing. I have nothing.

So in my car, driving home, tears pouring down my face, I praised Him.

"I have no breath without Your sovereignty.

I have no health with Your healing.
I have no husband without Your grace.
I have no daughter without Your opening.
I have no job without Your blessing.
I have no family without Your design.
I have no friends without Your gifting.
I have no food without Your provision.
I have no talent without Your giving.
I have no salvation without Your mercy."

Do you struggle finding a reason to give thanks this Thanksgiving? I know I often forget the list above. The truth that our God sees us, hears us, provides for us, cares for us somehow gets lost in dailyness of life. So here is a place to start:

Be thankful for that God. The God of justice and mercy.
Be thankful for the people around you. Find ways to show them the grace you are shown.
And be thankful for you as you are today. You will continue to change and grow and that is good. But today you are who you are and you are designed, loved, significant.

I am an archaeologist

"I know them," Carre pipes up. We all insist she sing. "OK, but you all have to sing with me," she says, sitting up straight and clearing her throat.

"High on a hill stood a lonely goat herd," and thus it began with her clear voice. It had started earlier in the evening, actually, when we all started singing "Sound of Music," and I did what I always do, I got the words mixed up and the most surprising thing happened: someone noticed.

"Those aren't the right words," Katelyn said in her matter-of-fact tone. "I am highly offended."

But it wasn't until all of our voices yodeled with gusto that we fully understood - on our last night together - that we were kindred spirits.

Individual, beautiful voices blending together to create a unified, harmonized, confident song. We laughed about the ironies of "16 Going On 17" and Katelyn offered a beautiful reenactment of Maria's "When the dog bites" moment after she is told by the Captain, in no uncertain terms, that his children need NO play clothes. We came undone, relived favorite moments, struggled to remember together.

That is it, that is where life needs to be lived: TOGETHER. In Alaska, at the First Annual Harvester Island Workshop, I watched as strangers became friends, friends became sisters, and stories were not simply shared but LIVED. That is the beauty and magic of the written word, the shared story. We look back at our lives, our experiences, we relive and examine, we become excavators.

"I always wanted to be an archaeologist," I chime during a session. "Now you are," Katelyn says. "An archaeologist of the soul."

And as we begin to fully see from which we came, we begin to understand who we really are NOW and where our paths are leading us. But the best part is this: we do not keep it to ourselves. We share, we bleed onto the page for others to be able to recognize their own wounds and healing. When we become vulnerable with others and encourage and are encouraged, that is when the church is fully realized, that is when we become all that we are. We share our experiences in the moment or afterward, shine the spotlight on God or allow others to show us when we cannot see. Our voices blend together and become more as a choir than they could ever be apart.

When we live our lives without each other, it allows for room to fester in lies and close our hearts off to warmth, truth, friendship. We wonder if we are important. We wonder if we are the only ones to ever...you fill in the blank.

"Me too!" we hear when we share our pain, our joy, our fears, our dreams. We are not alone.

"Carey?" Leslie turns to me, smile warm, eyes attentive. "OK," I say, "mine's kind of random." Or the next time, "I really don't know how to tell this story."

We all did it, made it clear that what we have to share isn't perfect; "please don't judge me," we want to say. But here's the kicker - we were all sitting there writing at the same time. No polishing allowed. Why was an explanation needed? We were nervous. We weren't sure we were worthy.

"I was embarrassed to send in anything I had written." I overheard my roommate share this with my brother one day. I found out later this beautiful writer has a three book contract.

We are never fully "there" - the name in print gives us no more confidence than the ten minutes of free writing. We are, all of us, baring our souls, opening our wounds for the world to see. Sometimes the wound is fairly clean, other times it is not, but always it needs healing. The salve of fellowship, a walk in the fresh air, the suffocating hug of the banya, the slap of an ocean wind, the shower of rainbows reminding us this storm may scare and hurt, steal and destroy, but not permanently. There is the promise of hope, redemption, and healing. And the promise moves us to share.

"These are a few of my favorite things."

Peace

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9

This passage has long been on my heart. Years before now, but most specifically in the past two months. As I began to understand that I was struggling with depression, a very wise man taught in our Sunday School class. He taught from this scripture. "Be anxious for nothing" Paul says. This to a woman who is anxious about everything. But it was a breath of fresh air. "Oh yeah, I thought. I know these verses."

Then over days, weeks, now months, it keeps coming up. God is saying, "Not only will you not forget, but you, my beautiful daughter, will own these verses. They are for you."

"Rejoice." "Be anxious for NOTHING." I struggle with these. A LOT. Saturday of this past week Paul and I were informed of a personal plot twist in our life. It's a big deal, involving lawyers and moving in with family in 2014, but I have had such peace about the entire situation: "the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension". My heart is under guard by the Lord Jesus Christ in whom I can do all things.

"I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13

No matter our life's circumstances, the Lord strengthens us and will see us through in His will and ways. Our job is to focus on Him, that which is "true... honorable... right... pure... lovely... of good repute... of any excellence... anything worthy of praise." We are to think about, dwell on, PRACTICE these things. Then in whatever comes HE will be glorified.

Where does "the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension" come from? Prayer [Lord, give us wisdom and may our actions glorify You.]. Thanksgiving [Lord, we praise You for our family and friends who are with us and most of all that You are not against us!]. "...in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." When we roll it all onto HIS plate and trust HIS word and action in our lives, then peace comes because we aren't trying to worry our way through it. I pray I can practice this in all areas of my life, but for now I have learned how to practice it in one area and have been an encouragement to my husband because of it.

PRAISE GOD.

For weeks now I have heard this song by Tenth Avenue North on the radio. Each time I hear it I find myself crying out to God the words. I am so thankful for grace offered so freely. I hope and pray these words encourage you, because the cry of the chorus reflects a desire for all that is true. Redemption does win. The struggle ends. He can mend our hearts, "because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4b) And His yoke is easy and His burden is light (see Matthew 11:30).

Worn by Tenth Avenue North/ I’m tired I’m worn/ My heart is heavy/ From the work it takes/ To keep on breathing/ I’ve made mistakes/ I’ve let my hope fail/ My soul feels crushed/ By the weight of this world/ And I know that you can give me rest/ So I cry out with all that I have left/ CHORUS: Let me see redemption win/ Let me know the struggle ends/ That you can mend a heart/ That’s frail and torn/ I wanna know a song can rise/ From the ashes of a broken life/ And all that’s dead inside can be reborn/ Cause I’m worn/ I know I need to lift my eyes up/ But I'm too weak/ Life just won’t let up/ And I know that you can give me rest/ So I cry out with all that I have left/ CHORUS/ My prayers are wearing thin/ Yeah, I’m worn/ Even before the day begins/ Yeah, I’m worn/ I’ve lost my will to fight/ I’m worn/ So, heaven come and flood my eyes/ CHORUS/ Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn/ Though I’m worn/ Yeah I’m worn

God's Faithfulness

A few days ago I was asked, along with my fellow small group members, to think about God's faithfulness in answering prayer. The specific answers I thought of surprised me. I shared with the group the humbling reality that I do not always care for my job, but it is clear that God's providence has placed me there and kept me there for His good purposes.

In 2004 I was planning on moving to Kentucky to live with my sister-in-law and nephew while my brother was overseas. I was praying that God would show me what was next in my life, what He would have me do, and make it clear to me. On Christmas Eve I broke my arm. Due to the nature of the break I needed physical therapy, so I had to stay home. By the time my arm had healed fully, my sister-in-law was doing better on her own with her son and said I should look for a job and consider staying in Colorado. So I did. I found a job at Southern Gables. That was eight years ago the first of this month.

In 2009 I took a vacation with five friends (my now husband among them) to Lake Powell. When we returned home Paul and I were engaged. With the possibility of Paul's attending nursing school in our future, I knew I needed a full time job. I had recently reduced my never-full-time hours at Gables in order to better serve my pursuit of a second Bachelor's degree (that I now never will get). But soon I would need to be working full time. I returned to work to find out one of my fellow secretaries had quit. My superiors and I discussed the possibility of me taking on her responsibilities in conjunction with my own. It was deemed a good idea and a temporary secretary was hired until I finished the semester. In December I became full time at Southern Gables.

Two years ago this very month I returned home from a delightful vacation to Disney World with my husband and in-laws - it was our "babymoon" and they "tagged along." When I turned my cell phone on, I had a voicemail from my boss asking me to call him when I could. Things had changed while I was away. Hours had been cut in order to better serve the workload. My secretary hours had been cut as well, but the powers-that-be had decided in order to keep me on full-time I would become the web assistant. God preserved my job when I didn't even know I needed the preservation.

I may be afraid that if I choose to be happy at Southern Gables again that it means I have to be there forever and will never be allowed to be home with my children, but the fact is that I need my job and God has provided for me (and my family) again and again through my home church. I should be happy in the provision of God. I work for amazing, godly people who love me and my family. Shame on me for so often forgetting.

Food culture

I confess every once in a while I want McDonald's: the convenience, speed, taste manufactured by sodium, MSG and grease.

Sometimes I feel as though those of us who want to eat organic, cook from scratch and avoid prepackaged foods are perceived as stuck up or following a fad, especially as I have become more interested in the whole foods lifestyle, or Paleo. But eating foods that haven't been altered by science, chemicals or copious amounts of sugar isn't a fad, it's how we are supposed to eat.

Convenience and an obsession with outdoing the competition has created a food culture in America that doesn't strike me as healthy. In response there are movements to take us back to the way food is intended to be. Buy local, in season, non GMO, etc. As I wrestle with feeling like a snob when I refuse certain foods, I think about a quote from a book I read about six months ago. The book was written by a Canadian who lived in France with her French husband and tried to understand why French kids ate so differently than her own. She wrestled with the amount of say the government has in the eating habits of children, they are even taught about food in school and their lunches are planned. She was told that North Americans think so differently about food because they have yet to develop their own food culture due to their relative youth. When you look at history, it is true that we are often a few leagues behind Europe on certain developments or matters of political issues, whether good or bad (current events speak to this, as do historical, such as slavery).

The author decided to teach her children to eat like the French children, to think about food as the French do. I think her observation, quoted below, is quite profound, as is her realization that she had to change herself first. If I want my daughter to eat well and treat her body well, I must learn how to first.

"Now, healthy eating is one of the most important skills that parents help their children develop. Underelying this focus on food education for young children [in France] is a simple principle:
"Chances are, my children are not going to grow up to go to Harvard, or to be major league sports stars, concert musicians, or NASA astronauts. But no matter who they grow up to be, how and what my children eat will be of great importance to their health, happiness, success, and longevity."

Quoted from French Kids Eat Everything

Choose this day whom you will serve...

In the world of instant gratification and social media, it is difficult to not get self-involved. At least I think it is. Pride is already one of my greatest faults. Having access to something that tells me how many people "like" my work is fuel for self-aggrandizement or self-deprication, depending on the day. (Sad considering how inaccurate it really is.)

What I must remember is who I work for. I am not in the photography business for fame and fortune. I should not seek man's approval, but God's. Any talent I have is from Him and for Him. I post pictures to say, "Check out these awesome and beautiful people I have had the honor to come into contact with through my business" and trust God to provide the clientele, not the pictures.

I desire to encourage everyone I encounter. To be a light and "affect the quality of the day" (Thoreau). I am so thankful for the opportunities I am given to spend time with people, glorifying God with what He has given me.

The Night Watch

Why are times of sorrow, struggle, doubt times when we find ourselves up at odd hours of the night? We can't sleep, so we toss and turn. A new baby wakes every two to three hours. Children often get sick at night. I, for one, always find myself praying for dawn. All I need is light to give me that glimmer of hope, that whisper of a promise. When someone else is awake, I can cope a little bit better.

But the Lord never sleeps.

I am not going through one of these times. In fact, recently, my daughter has decided sleeping through the night is a pretty good deal, and I agree with her. But as I woke this morning, as I usually do these days, before dawn, I thought I would read through "The Night Watch," a prayer time that falls typically from midnight to dawn. I rarely read these prayers and readings because I am so literal. They are the midnight prayers, the night vigil, and I am up intending for my day to begin. I am glad I made an exception today.

Here are some of the words I read this morning:

Psalm 119:147-148
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words.
My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promise."

Why is the author awake? So he can "meditate on [God's] promise"! I rarely think about meditating on God's promises when I find myself awake against my will. But consider if I woke up ON PURPOSE to cry out to God and meditate on His promises during times of great struggle, doubt and oppression. What if we all did during those times for each other or our country?

My dear mentor, who is helping me, encouraging me, and participating with me to memorize scripture, has told me to take a line or a verse from the passage and focus on it all day. What does it mean? How does it apply to situations in life? Today, as I read through Psalm 63 as a part of this prayer time, I found myself reading four verses through again and again:

Psalm 63:5-8
"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Within these verses are promises remembered, refuge taken, praises sung. Notice the benefit for our souls when we meditate on the Lord "in the watches of the night": "satisfied as with fat and rich food." How hungry my soul has become over the years. Too often I neglect that which my soul needs in times of greatest need. It is the Lord who sustains and upholds me.

It is different for me to think of being up during the night as a time to seek the Lord's face and rest in His promises, meditating on all He is - in other words a blessing - but I pray I remember to do just that when it happens because He is not a God of day alone, but He created the night as well.

2012

Ladies and gentlefolk, I greet you on this fine January 30. Another year has passed for the Christians, est. January 30, 2010, and we wish you, each and every one, a fine new year full of blessings and joys.

Our third year of marriage saw quite a few changes including a move (Verity got her own room), Paul's start in nursing school, my finish of six years of volunteer service in the high school group at church, Verity sat up, crawled, stood up, walked, spoke...she's had a lot of firsts this year, including her first birthday!

November also saw a beginning for me, as I relaunched my photography business, now Carey Christian Photography, after nearly a decade. Paul continues to work at Craig Hospital when he gets a chance between classes and studies. God has been very gracious in Paul's hours and pay as well as his schedule. We see a lot of him, which, of course makes us happy. There are days when he doesn't see Verity at all, but those are few. I continue my work at Southern Gables Church with few changes. Verity continues her work shuffling between grandparents' homes and being cute and lovable. She is gracious in the midst of constant change, although she is screaming, a habit we are discouraging at the moment.

She is eating all sorts of foods, green beans being the current and unexpected favorite. Butternut squash, avocado, black beans and chicken sausage also rank at the top. She is always trying to dress herself and telling the most delightful stories, although we cannot understand any of it.

We spent most of the year at home, though got visits from precious family. Verity and I went to Texas in November for the wedding of my cousin Christy. I enjoyed seeing family, though I did not much care for missing the wedding (and causing my mother to miss the wedding) due to illness. But the Lord was gracious and Verity was a saint on the plane going both directions.

As we look forward to all 2013 has to hold, including Verity's second birthday and Paul's graduation in December among other celebrations and challenges, we are thankful for the family that supports us. Both of our sets of parents sacrifice so much to watch Verity while I am at work and Paul studies. We can never fully thank them, so Verity does that for us. We pray they are blessed in abundance as God has used them to bless us in so many ways! We are thankful for our friends who encourage and pray for us. We wish we could see more of people, but when we do we enjoy every minute of connection and laughter.

May your 2013 be blessed with family and friends, hands to hold, words to encourage, voices to laugh with and so much more than we could ever imagine from our great God and Father. If you think of us, pray with us that Paul will be diligent in his studies, learn well, and be encouraged by his wife and daughter. Pray that he continues to enter into life at home openly and finds time to unwind as well as study. Pray for Verity's growth and health, schedule and personality. As she interacts with others, may they be blessed. Pray for me as I work at church, may I be a blessing to the people and ministries there. Pray for me as I hopefully meet new people through photography, that I will be a light shining in their lives, even if only for a brief couple of hours. Pray for me as a wife and mother, that I have the patience, grace, compassion and strength from God above to do everything I need to do and let go of the things I simply cannot do.

Feel free to send us your prayer needs so we can encourage and support you and yours this year!

Love from the Paul Christians!

Designed for a purpose

As a special treat today, I was able to take an hour out of my work day and attend Mi2, a group for moms that meets twice a month at our church. As a mom who works full time outside the home as well as inside, I don't get to spend much time with other moms. Not even my own. Most moms, I would venture to say, feel some level of isolation due to their occupation - spending enormous amounts of time with those "mini adults" - and the demands it puts on their time - bed time, nap time, play time, dining times, etc., etc. Then there are those moms who also work outside the home. The isolation changes because their time is now divided. They get interaction with adults, but still not the interaction they necessarily need.

What do I mean by that?

Humans need to know they are not alone. As we battle through day-to-day living, we can begin to collapse under the weight of it, especially if we feel isolated, like no one knows what we're going through. This is true of everyone. Now take a mom. There are 24 usable hours in every day. Most of us would love to be asleep for at least 8 of those hours, but we'll be a little more realistic and call it 6 (that is a really good night). If a mom gets up before her kids, let's say she's up by 6, so she went to bed sometime around midnight, but probably before because her precious 6 hours was broken up by needs. OK, so it's 6. Now she gets ready for her day and then she spends it with her kids, caring for her kids, cooking for her kids, cleaning up after her kids, going shopping with her kids, eating with her kids, putting her kids to bed and then hopefully taking a little time for herself from 8 until she collapses into bed. And for most women there is a husband that goes along with all this madness. And I mean madness in a good way.

Take a mom who also works outside the home. She gets up at 6, gets ready, gets her kids ready, takes her kids to their care-takers or school, runs to work, works with people who aren't necessarily interested in what her plans are for dinner, what her daughter said that morning that was so cute, or anything else for that matter, picks her kids up, cooks, eats, spends a few minutes playing, puts her kids to bed and then hopefully takes a little time for herself from 8 until... You get the picture.

Sleep. Wake. Repeat.

Hopefully in the midst of all of this there is a phone call, an email, a coffee date, someone to eat lunch with, etc., someone, anyone, who cares about this mom - stay at home or no - and can listen, pray, laugh, cry, and simply be there for her. We need each other.

But here's what I learned this morning. Get ready because it's big.

I am designed for my life. I was created as a help-meet for my husband, the good man that he is. I was blessed with the privilege to bear our child, and I have the compassion, love, care and instinct to care for her. BUT ONLY WITH GOD'S HELP. He clothes me with strength and dignity (Pr. 31:25); He gives me the ability to speak with wisdom and kindness (Pr. 31:26); He designed me, He goes before me, He upholds me. Being a wife and mother can be exhausting. We are always on-call, rarely acknowledged, often sleep-deprived, and at times (for some of us most of the time) worried. But God designed us to be that encouragement and burst of confidence our husbands need. He designed us to be the band-aid dispenser and professional cuddler while also teaching good manners and living a life of example before our children. He gives us the energy, the drive, the rest, and the HELP we need.

So that is what I realized this morning. I cannot do anything apart from Him. Why do I think my marriage and parenting would be any different? I cannot allow myself to feel or remain isolated. There are a lot of women who are in the same place I am, or who have been there. Women who can walk alongside me and remind me of who I am, what I have been given to do, and that every day, every challenge, every heartache and joy is one more opportunity to love, be joy-filled, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, self-controlled; opportunities for me to point back to my creator who gives me all I need.