I've been meaning to type this journal entry up for a while. I used it in my testimony this morning, so I thought I'd finally post it. I wrote it on April 20, 2010, after I wrote this post. I truly am not satisfied with what I see in the world or in myself, but I fight with practical complacency: though I do not want to be, I do not act, and therefore, by all practical definitions, I am complacent.
"I am so tired of being afraid. There is this fear that keeps me from jumping off the cliff. I like my comfort. The safety of my four walls. Outside them it's too dirty, too scary. And it turns into complacency, or at least an excuse to add to it: 'I can't do anything about....'
"I told Paul it's as though my complacency is a mountain. I am in a valley on one side of it and it's beautiful. It's a meadow of wild flowers with food, water, shelter, and of course it is always the perfect temperature - lukewarm.
"This meadow is like the matrix. It's all an illusion, but it keeps me happy and I feel safe and comfortable there.
"On the other side of Complacency Mountain is what appears to be a wasteland as far as the eye can see. But appearances can be deceiving. The problem is it will always appear that way THIS side of complacency and while climbing its slippery slopes. Once there, however, it is the most wondrous place. It is beautiful and safe and everything is provided, but it is still as it is. All that changes is our perception.
"Being in God's will is not always the world's idea of safe and comfortable and fun, but it always is in reality. It appears as a "wasteland" to those lost to the "meadow," but to those who dwell in it, it is the closest thing to paradise we will experience this side of heaven."